Another Nap-time Wasted

At 3 p.m. every day, I think to myself, “Boy, that was stupid. I just wasted two hours.” The boys return from school and the baby wakes up and I have accomplished nothing.

I put the babies down to sleep at 1 p.m., then watch a television show called “Starting Over.” It’s reality television and the first time I watched it I thought the women on the show were possibly the most annoying women in America. And now I’m addicted. It’s so embarrassing. I’ve avoided watching soap operas and daytime talk shows and now, I have to watch television every day from 1 to 2 p.m. You can check out the website at

Today, I even got riled up. Josie, a pregnant, single woman with a worthless boyfriend who may or may not be the father . . . well, her water broke.

Now, of course, an educated woman knows that just because your water breaks does not mean that you should rush to the hospital. Especially if your contractions haven’t started. But, this chick seems to know nothing about pregnancy–how else to explain her continual reclining and lying on her back at this stage of pregnancy? (That almost guarantees that the baby will be posterior, which can mean a longer labor and back labor to boot.)

So, off they rush to the hospital. No contractions. What does Josie do? She stretches out on her back in the bed and waits for labor to start. What should she do? She should be walking the hallways. She should be at home, still, hanging out. She should be active. She should be ignoring labor until she can no longer do so.

Oh, and she was hungry and thirsty and housemates tell her not to drink too much water and not to eat a banana. In fact, one of the other women actually reaches into her mouth and takes the banana out. Stupid, I’m telling you.

Would you run a marathon without drinking water during the race? Would you hike a mountain without carrying along snacks? No. Of course not.

That brings us to the next joyous intervention. That’s right boys and girls. Pitocin. Now, Josie had expressed interest in having a medication-free birth, but did she plan for alternative pain relief? Uh . . . no. Didn’t take them too long to get her all drugged up after the contractions started to actually hurt. And yes, pitocin contractions do hurt more. That’s just one reason why you should avoid pitocin or its very nasty cousin, cytotec.

Her stupid boyfriend was sitting in the room, but she had no real labor support. No one helping her breathe, no one rubbing her back, no music, no deep jacuzzi to soothe the pains, no sitting upright, just stretched out, waiting for pain, thinking about pain, expecting pain. Idiot.

The doctor comes in at 2 a.m. and rouses Josie. “Hey, in a few minutes, you’re going to push. Okay, Josie?” Yeah, right. An unconscious woman with a numb pelvis will be ready to push in just a sec. Hold on. Okay, ready.

Be sure to get your sharp instrument ready so you can cut her perineum and then yank that baby out. Why cooperate with nature when you can just overpower it and whack it in the head?

Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion tomorrow!

And then it’s 2 p.m. I think about doing laundry. No. Picking up the family room. No. Doing dishes? No. Oh yeah, I should water the flower bed. No. (Gosh, I wish it would rain.) Make a few phone calls? Balance the checkbook? Iron my husband’s pants? Scrub the stinky toilet? Clean off the table in the other room? Organize the mess of shoes in the entry-way? Finish the thank-you notes? No, no, no, no. I don’t want to do any boring stuff. I don’t want to be a grown-up and do what’s got to be done.

And you can’t make me.

Sigh. I wish I hadn’t just wasted nap-time. Tomorrow! Tomorrow I will get something done! For sure!

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