I was driving up my street one late afternoon with my daughter in the car. She could easily walk home from school but I pick her up one street over so she doesn’t have to trudge uphill to our house. I hope she remembers my compassion and generosity when she looks back on her life some day.
Anyway, we were a couple of houses from our own house and I noticed a man walking a dog. I noticed mainly because the dog looked like my dog, a Bernese Mountain dog. I said to my daughter, “Hey, that looks like my dog!” and she said after a pause, “Um, Mom. That’s Dad!” (Frankly, she sounded kind of judgmental, as if she’s never mistaken her loved one for a total stranger. Whatevs, man. Fourteen year olds think they know it all.)
And sure enough, I gaped as I drove past the man and the dog and it WAS my husband (of almost 30 years) and it was my dog.
I kind of recognized my dog but I did not recognize my husband. At all. I guess I forgot he’s mostly bald and gray. That’s not how I see him.
Today we ran out of toilet paper. Completely. We have three bathrooms in our house and when I used the last of the toilet paper in my master bathroom, I checked the closet where I keep the extra rolls. There were no extra rolls, much to my surprise. This was shocking because I have toilet paper automatically delivered to my house by Amazon. It’s the best thing ever. But my system went awry, somehow.
So I thought I’d check the main (kids’) bathroom upstairs. Last I knew, I stacked six rolls in there. Today, there was a ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS sitting on the counter next to the toilet.
I . . . just . . . what? So I took that away and came back with a box of tissues because we are not barbarians! Then I checked the downstairs bathroom and . . . well, I already spoiled this story by telling you we completely ran out of toilet paper today.
The weird thing here is twofold: 1) No one mentioned that we had no toilet paper; and 2) Someone thought a roll of paper towels was a good solution.
Please do not worry about us. I drove right to Target and bought 48 rolls of toilet paper.
I continually buy hairbands. Because I have ridiculous hair and also, hello, menopause? So I’m hot. No, I’m cold . . . wait, now I’m sweaty. But I’m cold, I mean hot. So, I constantly put my hair up, then take it down, then put it up, ET CETERA. All day long. And occasionally–like right now–I look in my desk drawer and all around my office and find no hairbands. And I’m hot. But I have inadvertently transferred all the hairbands to my bedroom and my car. This would be why I have a pen stuck in my hair, holding it off my neck.
Does this happen to anyone else?
Finally, I had a bit of a busy morning today. I had to take my car to get an oil change and when I came back home, I had a couple of hours and decided to putter. At some point, I remembered that I wanted to put peanut butter in the mousetraps I put in the garage a awhile back. I’d found evidence of a mouse and so I bought traps and put them behind the garage couch. Weeks and weeks had passed, but my traps remained empty.
So I came armed with a knife full of peanut butter and shoved the couch out of the way to access the traps and found . . . two empty traps and one trap with a dead mouse.
I immediately turned squeamish and went upstairs to ask my 18-year old if he’d like to practice “being a man” and he said, “Sure!”and then when I told him why, he pulled a blanket over his head and said, “Oh no! I thought you wanted me to do taxes or something!”
I ended up fishing the mousetrap from behind the couch with a long metal thing and put it in a trash bag and into the trash. And then I filled the remaining traps with peanut butter because you never know. (At least I didn’t use glue traps again.)
4 thoughts on “Stranger than fiction”
I do not have a pen stuck in my hair … for obvious reasons. I would have to have hair first.
“I thought you wanted me to do taxes or something” is HILARIOUS!! I love your essays.
Laughed out loud. My husband says I once did that.
I just LOVE you!! ❤
I can't believe we weren't friends in school. We're perfect for each other. 😉