Mrs. Fix-it, The Sequel

In a startling turn of events, I already fixed our backyard fountain. It’s been inoperable for less than a year, so I count this a major victory in my neverending battle against brokenness and failure.  (Hey, what are we talking about here anyway?)

Here’s how to fix your backyard fountain in thirty easy steps:

1)  Notice that the water has stopped flowing.
2)  Spend some time wondering why.
3)  Empty all water from fountain.
4)  Ponder the pump.
5)  Blame the pump.
6)  Ignore the fountain for at least six months, preferably a little longer.
7)  Consider how difficult it might be to remove old pump’s cord and get new cord threaded through hole and behind fountain and into plug-in box thing.
8)  Worry.
9)  Plan to go to Home Depot.
10)  Procrastinate.
11)  Worry.
12)  Purchase pump at Home Depot.  Ask for advice from passing orange-vested sales people.  Try not to notice that you are old enough to be their mother.
13)  Get home, cut open dangerous plastic packaging, realize that the pump output pipe is too small.
14)  Cry.  (Optional.)
15)  Procrastinate.
16)  Return to Home Depot.  Purchase second pump, bigger, better, faster, stronger.
17)  Get home, open dangerous packaging.  Do not cut fingers.
18)  Look closely at fountain.
19)  Scoop out frog eggs and place in giant vase previous owners of your house abandoned when they moved.
20)  Install pump.
21)  Realize that pump is a little overly enthusiastic.
22)  Watch water slosh out of fountain.
23)  Turn off fountain.
24)  Retrieve old pump.  Observe brand name and size.
25)  Order pump from Amazon.
26)  Wait two days.
27)  Install new pump.
28)  Return two pumps to Home Depot.
29)  Observe frog eggs morph into pollywogs.
30)  Celebrate success while listening to soothing sound of running water.

Please.  Hold your applause.