A survey of my interior

I want a day without shouting.  I want my children to be the Brady Bunch, bell-bottoms optional.  I want the house to clean itself.  I want the cats to stop pooping.  Forever.  I want a pedicure.

I think scattered thoughts.  I think best when no one is talking to me.  I think talking is overrated. 

I need to vacuum.  I need to change the sheets.  I need to sort through my daughter’s closet to rid us of her outgrown clothing before she reclaims it.  I need more sleep.  I need an agent.  Or a cheerleader.  Or both.

I regret laziness.  I regret burned bridges.  I regret burning all my diaries that I wrote before I was eighteen. 

I dream strange dreams between 5:00 a.m. and 6:00 a.m.  I dream of a day when my children are grown.  I dream that they’ll turn out all right and, in turn, create happy and healthy families of their own.  I dream of a cottage where I can dream.  I dream of writing stories that change people’s minds and hearts.

I love chocolate chip cookie dough.  I love reading good literature.  I love People magazine.  I love my husband, the man who makes me laugh more than any other.  I love blue skies and tall trees and crashing ocean waves.  I love my children, even when they spill whole pitchers of water on the floor and leave a trail of Cheez-Its from the kitchen to the playroom.

I hate being misunderstood.  I hate fleas.  I hate hearing children in movie-theaters when the movies are not intended for children.  I hate running out of a key ingredient while I’m in the middle of baking something.  I hate stepping in gum.  I hate being stuck behind a bus in my car.

I like sleeping in.  I like shopping in thrift stores.  I like hearing people’s stories.  I like farmer’s markets.  I like daffodil fields.  I like parades and fluffy clouds and shade on a hot day.  I like walking.  I like comfortable shoes.  

I dread making mistakes.  I dread making phone calls.  I dread conflict. 

I need to telephone potential volunteers for Vacation Bible School (VBS).  I need to find a babysitter for Saturday night.  I must catch up on laundry.  I need to return all my shoes to my closet.  I need to find a way to get all my work done and still carve out time to feed my soul.

What about you?  What do you want, think, need, dream, love, hate, like, dread, need to do? 


16 thoughts on “A survey of my interior

  1. I want a span of 4 hours where I can just enjoy peace and quiet. I want my kids to get along. I want a new haircut.

    I think best when I have peace and quiet. I think it’s going to be a long time before I have peace and quiet. I think I’d better learn to think despite the chaos.

    I need to lose weight. I need to have a spot checked out on my leg. I need to put the laundry away that is on my bed, already folded.

    I regret yelling at my kids. I regret not taking more risks when I was younger. I regret not taking more risks now.

    I dream in black and white when I’m tired. I dream of being a kid again on the farm in South Texas. I dream about my kids living on a farm someday. I dream about seeing all of my family in Heaven with me.

    I love pickle and cheese sandwiches, even when I’m not pregnant. I love my husband – the only man who has ever been man enough to put me in my rightful place as his helpmeet. I love tickling my kids at bedtime. I love my mom.

    I hate ignorant people. I hate spam. I hate open flames. I hate “roughing it”. I hate it when my kids need something and I can’t get it for them.

    I like thunderstorms. I like to read books that make me think about change. I like that I can multitask. I like being a woman who is married and has children that are homeschooled and watching the faces of people when I tell them that being the above is one of my greatest accomplishements in life.

    I dread doing laundry. I dread disciplining my children. I dread conflict of any kind.

    I need to come up with questions for a mother-daughter banquet game. I need to get up earlier so I can walk and have devotion time before the daily chaos begins. I need to spend more time writing about real things that matter instead of the trivial stuff.


  2. Wow-I have been regretting lately throwing out all my diaries when I was younger, too. I can’t tell you how much better I feel knowing I’m not the only one to ever do that. Maybe that’s just a rite of passage, too?



  3. Thanks for this exercise. I needed to “purge” my brain. (Maybe that’s my problem, now there’s nothing left.) I wrote mine as a post. I LOVE your blog!!


  4. I want to feel better.

    I think waaaaaaaaay to much sometimes.

    I need to get my blood sugar under control.

    I dream that I cannot find what I am looking for.

    I love my husband.

    I hate rudeness.

    I like dandelions.

    I dread the coming heat and humidity.

    I need to do something else.


  5. I want to quit beating myself up for not being a model mother and housekeeper. I want a new digital camera that is small and will fit in my purse.

    I need to fold the laundry that keeps getting moved from our bed to the desk and back. I need to finish digitizing the embroidery designs for next year’s ornaments.

    I dream of time alone. Because of my husband’s job my life is a very social one, and I crave aloneness to recharge.

    I love my husband – the best thing that ever happened to me. I love the way my kids smell after their baths. I love reading junk mail catalogs. I love it when my two year old son takes off his shoes and socks just to check if he has any lint between his toes.

    I hate it when my two year old son takes off his shoes and socks just to check if he has any lint between his toes. I hate arrogance and self righteousness. I hate gory movies. I hate the smell of old milk.

    I like organizer whatsits. I like jingly bracelets and have way too many. I like pita chips with hummus. I like anything paisley.

    I dread answering the phone. Drives me nuts that I have to be at someone’s beck and call just because they know my number.

    I need to spend more time just playing with my kids. I need to find a more consistent time for devotions. I need to go to the bathroom. Guess I’m done surveying my interior…


  6. I need to be more present in the moment. A funny thing, since right now I’m in front of the stupid computer! I need to take a walk outside with my kids. Such a beautiful day in Texas!


  7. Before I was a parent I regretted things like leaving graduate school for law school, selling a particular house, not investing at the right time, etc. For the last year, my biggest regret is yelling at my kids, ever. I know I shouldn’t, but since my daughter turned 2.5 I do from time to time and each time I do I am filled with self-loathing. I didn’t know the meaning of regret until I learned I was capable of yelling at my toddler.


  8. I want to go to daily mass 2 times a week (besides Sunday). I want to find the name of my biological mother.
    I need to walk an hour 6 days a week. I need to make menus at least a week ahead of time. I need to spend less money.
    I think this summer is going to be the best time of my life. I think my kids are the best kids in the world.
    I regret the immorality of my youth. I regret missing my grandmother’s funeral. I regret losing my temper and crying in front of my children.
    I dream of having another child or two. I dream of living in the country. I dream of living in a small town where there is no Wal-Mart.
    I love today. The sky is fresh baby blue, the clouds are fluffy white pillows, the birdsong almost continuous, two of my still-little children playing outdoors. I love my husband taking the kids on bike rides. I love looking at my family all dressed up in our church pew. I love thrift stores.
    I hate feeling guilty when I’m out at thrift stores. I hate thoughtlessness. I hate pessimism. I hate cleaning up after others. I hate the demanding sound of the phone ringing. I hate shaving my legs.
    I like smooth legs. I like clean, organized laundry. I like robin’s egg blue.
    I dread making phone calls. I dread going down to my basement laundry room. I dread witnessing my children (all under 16 at present) experience grown-up pain.


  9. I want a body that looks the way it did when I was first married. I want a vacation destination that includes the words “spa resort.” I want to spend the next ten years of my life (45-55) living deliberately– distinct vision and articulate goals.

    I need to incorporate discipline as it relates to diet and exercise. I need to learn how my Mac works. I need to get more sleep. I need to have more sex. With my husband. And on that note, I need to get nicer sleep apparel.

    I regret that I lost touch with so many of my college friends. I regret that I didn’t accept help more often. I regret yelling at my kids. I regret getting addicted to caffeine. But not enough to quit. Yet.

    I dream of living in a great house by a body of water. I dream of teaching millions how to access the power and wisdom of God for everyday life. I dream of opening orphanages in Africa. I dream of having someone cook and clean for me so that I can use my time helping people.

    I love re-“experiencing” my teenage years through music. I love when my sons are in my kitchen, eating and laughing with their friends, which is often. I love HGTV. I love gardenias. I love my husband and that we were best friends a long time before we dated. I love a clean smelling house. I love color.

    I hate being indecisive. I hate watching suffering that I am powerless to relieve. I hate dog poop. I hate meetings that drag on without purpose. I hate most seafood and Indian food. I hate hearing kids publicly disrespect authority. I hate the blackness of depression. I hate acrylic toenails. I don’t understand women who want acrylic toenails.

    I like documentaries. I like hot baths. I like quality suits that fit just right. I like watching TV in bed– under sheets that have a high thread count. I like that I have a sister in law that genuinely makes me laugh. I like the discovery of finding a great deal. I like popping zits.

    I dread the day my delightful, thoughtful ten year old son prefers to be with his friends rather than me. I dread getting jowls. I dread any funeral that involves a child or parents of young children. I dread making phone calls ( a common theme, I see…) and seeing my husband text message while driving. I dread betrayal by people I really trust.


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