I declared twenty years ago that I do not high-five.
At the time, it was a matter of dignity. As a woman of substance (that’s a polite way of describing my, uh assets) I was not comfortable waving my arms in the air, causing all sorts of jiggle and other unladylike happenings. So, I said, rather haughtily, “I do not high-five.” I may have even punctuated those words with the arch of my left eyebrow. (I also emphasized that I also did not cartwheel, though I can’t remember exactly why I was so emphatic about that. It’s not as if I was daily being encouraged to cartwheel.)
Alas, the trend of high-fiving has continued, unabated, despite my distaste for the gesture. I mean, seriously, how many times does an intended high-five end in a lame, awkward joining of hands? I know that I, personally, never anticipate a high-five and thus, miss slapping hands at the appointed time. This is not festive, nor joyous nor celebratory. This is stupid. That’s right. S-T-O-O-P-I-D.
I intended to start a world-wide campaign to Abolish High-Fives. But then, I stumbled upon this wry website and I lost heart. I mean, check out “High Five Style” here. Clever, yes? Amusing? And so, I relented. No World-wide campaign. (What will I do with all these campaign signs?)
But still. Do not high-five me. I might, emphasize MIGHT, bump fists with you a la the germ-phobic Howie Mandel. But I will not return a high-five.
A girl has to draw the line somewhere, and I draw the line at performing gestures best suited to the basketball court. I am a Lady. And ladies do not high five. (I just said so, that’s who.)
I mean it. (Instead of abolishing high-fives, maybe I’ll do something easy like curing cancer or solving world hunger. Or maybe finishing the laundry, but let’s not get overly ambitious.)
Actual Unretouched Photo 
Hey, nice post. Gimmee a high five, girl!
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I can’t say that people don’t use the high 5 here in Australia, but I can guarantee you that it has not reached epidemic proportions. A person could go through their entire life here in Australia without anyone ever knowing that they abstain from the high 5.
Imagine that … freedom to be who you really are. Pack your bags, you’re moving to Australia.
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Ha ha ha – your anti-high-five rant is hysterically funny. I never thought about it, even though I too, am a lady with, er, assets. You make a good point.
Whatever happened to the good, old-fashioned handshake? I trust you still employ that traditional method of greeting?
And what’s with all the germ-a-phobes these days? I mean, really. It’s not like the bubonic plague is running rampant around North America.
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I totally thought of Howie as I was reading this – last night on the totally addicting game show where everyone can’t help but open just one more case – the contestant was jumping up and down and high-fiving his partner and he kept missing. It was just so embarrassing for him. And then of course he ran to Howie and Howie gives him the hands-closed-high-five.
I hate walking from our shower to our closet for the same “asset” reason. It’s the time of the day when I get to feel all my “extra” backside stuff jiggle. What a way to start the day.
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Hmmm… but the flying chest-bump is still open for discussion, right?
Yeah… chest-bumps rule. It’s the new hi-five. it’s loads of fun. You should try it.
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Oh my gosh you are funny! I hate high fives too, I always feel like a geeky 13 year old all over again because I never manage to meet the mark and I end up a grown woman, fumbling all over, grabbing and being grabbed in places I wouldn’t normally be… Ever since I learned about Howie’s OCD, it consumes me when I watch his show “Aargh! Did you just see that guy touch his hand, i bet he’s dying inside, ooh, I think I just saw his eye twitch from it!” It’s only slightly less annoying than my previous obsession with evaluating each model and how she opens her suitcase. “Oh look at her acting all surprised, she has GOT to know what’s in that suitcase” and “Green is SO not HER color”.
p.s. bumping fists just makes me laugh out loud EVERY time I see someone do it. When people offer me a salutatory fist, I always like to just grab it and shake it up and down like I don’t know any better. I walk upright on two legs, doesn’t that put me somewhere above bumping body parts as a greeting?
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Mel, you are soo funny! Best of luck with your campaign. 🙂 No one ever high fives me…hmm… if you think about it, that probably means people think of me more as a lady than a fun person, and well, are you sure you’d rather have that instead? You are way more fun than I am, so maybe you can just take a high five as a compliment (you might have to read my gibberish over a couple times to figure out what the heck I’m really trying to say!). Thanks for another fun post!…. Debra
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I’m not a fan of the high-five, either. I have always thought it was stupid and have rejected MANY in my lifetime.
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The girls high five me all the time. Haven’t run into it with the adults around here yet.
I must move in the wrong circles.
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My assests have been depleted.
I will high-five.
I don’t like it, but I will do it.
In fact, while driving in the car today, my daughter and I geekily high-fived (it’s a verb, too. I said so!) every time we correctly identified a song on the radio. My grandson loved it.
But, I only high-five out of mockery.
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A very funny piece.
My husband and I have abolished tea parties. (I’m from the “old country” north of the border.) We’ve come up with a symbol to illustrate our position… it’s a silouette of a china teapot with a red international slashed/circle on top. Have you thought about that atop your high five?
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I’m so glad I stumbled upon your blog from another blog that was linked to a blog of a friend’s. Can you see a pattern here?
Your writing makes me smile. I’ll be back!
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i hate high fives as well. i always miss and its kinda akward.yeah.
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