I blame the mucus

I was reviewing a situation and thought I’d just check my Gmail account for proof of something that happened in 2001. I searched my account and found nothing before 2004. I was immediately horrified and frantic, wondering what happened to my older emails.

This was at the Mall of America

I spent a solid half hour, maybe more, trying to figure out the problem.

Well, here’s the problem. Gmail wasn’t launched until April 1, 2004. I started my account on April 24, 2004. So, there were no missing emails.

I can barely remember life before Gmail, so it was a shock to realize that I had no Gmail proof of a situation from 2002.

I spent some time updating a blog post from 2009 that weirdly enough, gets traffic to this day. I don’t really understand that, but I did think it was time to spiff it up a little since it’s still getting visitors. Otherwise, today has been a quiet Sunday, anchored by laundry and coughing. I skipped church so I could cough at home instead of the back row of the sanctuary.

It’s frustrating how often I’ve been sick this year. I had a stretch of two months, give or take a week, without illness, then last Tuesday I was taking a break at work when I realized my throat felt weird. “Am I getting sick?” I thought.

Yes. The answer was yes.

My day off for the week was Wednesday and I literally slept twelve hours Tuesday night, waking up at noon. I walked a paltry 1,400 steps the entire day. Then Thursday I went back to work, still sick but we are so understaffed and busy right now that I just didn’t have the luxury of staying home.

I worked yesterday, too, and have just today off before going back for a five day stretch. We are entering the busiest time of year and it’s been like shoveling in a snowstorm. In a way, it’s fun, like it’s fun to not drown, the adrenaline of survival surging through your body.

Anyway.

Sometimes I think I’m a little depressed here in Minnesota. Is it Minnesota? Or is it me? Have I accomplished everything I will ever accomplish in my life? Is this it? Am I on a downhill slide? Have I become truly invisible and irrelevant? Now, don’t Grandma Moses me. I know, I know. It’s never too late but I am just feeling the blues.

Nothing to look forward to . . . no future goals to accomplish . . . no daydreaming of bigger things to come. I am not going to become anything other than what I am right now. I guess?

I mean, this is where I practice contentment, right? Where I take joy in the small things and express gratitude for the raindrops and the zinnias and the cat curled in my lap . . . but I can’t help but wonder (in silence, God forbid I talk about this out loud like a crazy person) . . . is this it? Am I done? Are the next thirty years just a rehashing of the Good Old Days as those around me roll their eyes?

The biggest question is . . . should I really have let my stylist put in low-lights? I like myself better blonde but maybe it’s time to just accept that the sun will never naturally highlight my hair again. And why is it so incredibly difficult to find a great stylist when you move?

Also, I tried to find a good profile picture and spent way too much time looking at older photographs of myself and why doesn’t anyone ever take flattering photos of me? Or am I just ugly? And if I am, why do I even care? My insides are not ugly. (Or are they?) Have I ever actually liked my hair?

And have I failed? Did I fall short of my potential? Was a horrible mother? Did I let my husband down? And why, oh why, do I have such a weird resume’ and career? Am I going backwards?

What is going on, exactly?

And then I think, oh yeah.

I always feel depressed when I’m sick. Maybe I should just table this soul-search until mucus stops clogging my respiratory system.

4 thoughts on “I blame the mucus

  1. From time to time, I contemplate what an ordinary life I have lived. But I have been made aware of recent deaths of former colleagues that are my age or younger, and I am grateful to enjoy a bit more time. One has some hope that a descendant will do something grand with their life and make some sort of mark on this world. Maybe my much diluted genes will have contributed something.

    Meanwhile, I have a YT video that also gets some hits for some reason. I was a JJ’s first minutes in this world which I posted 13.5 years ago. All of a sudden, some people are seeing it and either commenting or liking all these years later. I find it perplexing, especially since I never used YT to be a very public platform and just a place to store the occasional video, likely to post on my blog..

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    1. Strange how some online moments live on and on!

      Also, at least you have grandkids. I’m thinking my own kids will never take that next step. 😭

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  2. Mel, you need to find some good used bookstores and start reading again. I found Miranda Mills and her British mother doing book chats on youtube for the Comfort Book Club. I read a few pages of their cozy recommendations, and think about baking their tea bakes, and life is better. Though Miranda, like you, is sick right now, she is able to read again.

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    1. Oh, I am reading (every night). I own more books than I’ll ever have time to read but I really love reading on my Kindle every night. 🤗

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