How to Prepare for the New Year in Five Easy Steps

I thought about trying to summarize 2013, but not tonight.

And as I sit here trying to think of what to say, I got a text from my 11-year old.  She’s spending the night at someone’s house, celebrating New Year’s Eve.  I am surprised she is still awake.  She asked me, “Please feed Annabelle and go in and say hi to her, could you?”  It’s 12:55 AM but she is thinking Annabella the Guinea Pig would like conversation and a snack.

Okay.  I fed Annabelle and said hello to her.

Now I wait for my 15-year old to get home.  He went ice-skating with his girlfriend.  I refuse to even open the door to the knocking worrier at the door of my brain who suggests that children are only safe at home, here under my roof where I know there are no drunk drivers or lunatic serial killers or mean people to threaten my beloved babies.  Why can’t the kids just stay home forever where they are safe?

Oh, and he just walked in the door.  So the children are all accounted for and safe for another night.

Now, to bring in the New Year I have done several very important things.

In no particular order:

1)  I cleaned out my refrigerator, throwing old old broccoli and scary jam from another year and washing out the door shelves where a pickle jar seemed to be morphing into an oozing vinegar volcano.

2)  I cleaned off my desk, though you’d never really know it unless you saw it Before and After.

3)  I cleaned out my pantry and tossed all the cereal, even an unopened box of Cheerios that “expired” six months ago.  I argued that the Cheerios were still fresh because they were unopened but the two biggest skeptics in my house refused to acknowledge my point and since they would be the main consumers of the outdated Cheerios, I gave up and threw them away.  (The Cheerios, not the skeptics.) I don’t really eat cereal and the cereal eaters in my house seldom actually finish a box.  They just abandon it when they deem it too stale to eat because someone–not THEM–didn’t close it very well.

4)  I bought a new shower curtain and a shower curtain rod for the “kid’s bathroom.”  The existing shower curtain rod is rusty and the shower curtain rings never stay on and so the curtain sags and it’s been an altogether unpleasant situation.  Since I had $10 of “Kohl’s cash,” and the items were on sale, it didn’t cost much, either.

5)  I went to Costco and purchased food, including a lot of vegetables and some meat and these tortillas that are uncooked until you cook them up in a pan.  I also bought bacon because everyone knows that Costco has the best bacon and what is a new year without a large quantity of bacon?   I put all the unexpired food in the clean fridge and the cereal-free pantry and now we’re ready to welcome 2014. Except I may have forgotten to buy cereal.

So, in summary, here’s how I recommend you prepare for the New Year:

1)  Clean out your fridge.
2)  Clean off your desk.
3)  Clean up your pantry.  Throw out all your stale cereal all willy-nilly.
4)   Purchase new shower curtain and put up an unrusted, shiny new shower curtain rod.
5)  Go to Costco along with three thousand of your closest friends and buy bacon.

Happy New Year!