Every year, it’s my job to carve the pumpkins. This year, the teenagers did not choose a pumpkin each, so only two pumpkins demand my attention. I hate everything about carving pumpkins into jack-o-lanterns.
I hate cutting off the tops, scooping out the guts, and carving faces with my gigantic chef’s knife. I have no idea how people make those fancy curvy designs. If it’s not a triangle, I cannot carve it.
And don’t think that I want to, either. Because I do not. I believe that I could master pumpkin carving if I cared enough, but I do not. I clearly don’t own the right tools and I don’t care. (I once saw Martha Stewart make the cutest polka-dotted jack-o-lanterns, using a power-drill with special attachments that dug out perfect circles of various sizes. I have a power-drill, but not those attachments.)
So, I finished one jack-o-lantern. The other is gutless, sitting on the kitchen table awaiting the knife of doom. I am hopeful that I will not cut off any fingers, especially my own.
Grace is going trick-or-treating as a skeleton. Zachary is going as a . . . ninja? Some guy dressed all in black with a glowing eye mask. Who cares, really? The point is candy, glorious candy, hopefully without added melanine. (Don’t eat the coins. Okay, okay, we know. Do you know? If you don’t, just Google it. And rethink eating chocolate manufactured in China.)
Oh, and
Actual Unretouched Photo 
Aiyeee. I share your thoughts on carving (sharp knives & I do not get along). We bought a Funkin at the craft store & are painting it. If Dad was feeling better he’d carve it — he’s brave & being a guy has mastered the whole tool use skill years ago. Since it’s plasticky-papier-mache stuff, we can always save it for carving next year! Maybe by then I’ll have dug the Dremel out of all the moving boxes & channel Martha. Or not. 🙂
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How very sad! I mean, I feel bad for you in that the joy that is jack-o-lantern carving has been rendered down to the level of gritty chore.
Next year bring them on down here. My wife and I love carving pumpkins and then roasting the seeds. We use those little bitty carving tools you can buy on clearance after Halloween. We invariably break one or two, but they’re cheap and MUCH easier to use than the knife, because you can turn tight corners, and they won’t accidentally hack off a finger or gouge out an eyeball.
Happy Halloween!
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My “bigs” had hand sewn matching costumes every year. My “little” has never had anything but store bought. Child abuse? Maybe just neglect? It gives them something to talk about in therapy.
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Has no one ever introduced you to a pumpkin carver before? Those little “saw” instruments make cariving a breeze…not that I carve.
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