Signs you might be in a movie theater and not at home

1) You drove away from your house, parked your car and bought a ticket.

2) The popcorn costs money and comes in a gigantic tub.

3) The screen is very very big.

4) Your seat flips down and has armrests that go up and down.

5) There are a hundred other people in the same room.

6) The lights are dim.

7) Your feet stick to the floor.

If, indeed, you discover you are actually in a movie theater and not at home, please refrain from:

1) Bringing a baby with you. Even happy baby sounds are unwelcome during quiet movie dialogue. (Numbskull.)

2) Text-messaging. That handy-dandy screen-light is very annoying to your fellow movie-goers. I CAN HEAR YOU PUSHING BUTTONS! STOP IT! (Idiot.)

3) Chatting with your friend. (Thoughtless brats.)

4) Answering your phone. (Knuckleheads.)

5) Making stupid comments. (Are you twelve?)

If I weren’t such an upstanding citizen, I might have tackled you both. I followed you out of the theater, you know, and I am confident I could totally win in a random smackdown. Bring it on! I’ll take you both on, you twits.

Instead of roughing you up, though, (dingbats!) I asked to speak to a manager and informed her that–thanks to you–this was the worst movie-going experience of my life. (I would have walked out–and stepped on your toes, you inconsiderate jerks–but finding the time to get away to even see this movie was almost impossible.) I accepted two free movie tickets as an apology. I just hope she takes that out of your allowance, you little dim-wits.

* * *

Oh, and the movie? “The Other Boleyn Girl.” I take my movie-going seriously and prepared to see this movie by reading the excellent book first. Save your money and spend it on the book because the movie was a hot mess, thanks to the horrific screenplay and senseless plot. The actors weren’t so great, either.

The book, however, is a must-read. (Some adult content, if you are very sensitive about your reading material . . . but if you are aware of the story of Henry VIII at all, you realize that that is integral to the story and it is tastefully handled.) I am not a huge fan of historical fiction, either, but I really loved this book.

Oh, and if you stumbled onto this blog and feel compelled to scold me for my latent hostility or my narrow-eyed view of stupid teenage girls who bring babies to the movies–spare yourself the trouble. I am aware of my passive-aggressiveness and find it a source of amusement when channeled appropriately (i.e. into this blog rather than grabbing a fistful of straightened blond hair of that girl one seat away who has absolutely no manners and needs to be throttled within an inch of her life to teach her a lesson).

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Signs you might be in a movie theater and not at home

12 thoughts on “Signs you might be in a movie theater and not at home

  1. You old lady, you! I remember when I was visiting a college friend and her parents mentioned that they preferred not to go out to the movies anymore, because of the other people there. I thought they were such boring losers! (And old – I mean, they were in their forties!)

    Of course, now I can sympathise. Now that I am an old boring loser, myself.

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  2. Amy says:

    Did you go to the same showing of the same movie as we did? The drunk ninnies in our theatre really did get thrown out. Just preceding that a frustrated movie-goer, who spoke for all of us, piped up with a forceful, “Will you PLEASE be quiet!!!” That was the best part of the movie. Like you, I liked the book much better.

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  3. b says:

    Ha! I took our days-old baby to see Miracle with my husband, sat in the back and breast fed the entire time (with a sling for privacy.) When I told the pediatrician (conversationally) she mock-bopped my head and said, “Do you know how many GERMS are at a movie theater?” I spent days expecting our daughter to shrivel up and die.
    I also was once behind a guy whose blue-tooth head set kept flashing. I about ripped it off his ear and threw it, but my husband informed him before I got myself arrested.

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  4. Methinks, with the amount of inconsiderate ninnies at theatres, maybe it’s time to find a different diversion for your time out alone? Goodness, how awful to come away from something you look so forward to as a means of relaxation strung up tighter than a guide wire!!! Too bad you don’t live in Portland…you could hit Powell Books, browse thru the aisles, and people-watch. Now THERE is a perfect way to spend a few hours, ha! I feel for you, Mel, I do. I remember those years of “If I don’t get out of this house I’m going to ignite!!”

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  5. I think you showed great restraint. My one movie of the decade was Sweeney Todd, and we went in the middle of the day, so the theater was mostly empty.

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  6. This makes me want to read the book. Good for you in using restraint (not strangling the rude folk) and commenting to the management. They’ll be more assertive in enforcing quiet in the theater if it costs them money not to do so.

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  7. B_Lines says:

    They say, if it’s too loud, you’re too old. I am old, cause the noise level at the theater is just too much for me. I have to find some other way to obtain a bit of culture. I do applaud your patience. I would have gotten up and left regardless of free tickets or the lack thereof. Getting old means I have less forebearance as well.

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  8. OMG, that movie sucked! And I am a fan of historical fiction. But you know what movie was fantastic? Juno. And the U2 3D movie. We went out one night to dinner and then saw The Other Boleyn Girl and then right after saw the U2 movie. Thankfully the U2 movie rocked and made me forget how lame The Other Boleyn Girl was.

    And what do you know, there were babies in my movie too! It pisses me off so much when people do that as I am paying $10 an hour for a babysitter for my own kids. Jerks, friggin’ stay home until you can find a sitter! Blah.

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