1) You drove away from your house, parked your car and bought a ticket.
2) The popcorn costs money and comes in a gigantic tub.
3) The screen is very very big.
4) Your seat flips down and has armrests that go up and down.
5) There are a hundred other people in the same room.
6) The lights are dim.
7) Your feet stick to the floor.
If, indeed, you discover you are actually in a movie theater and not at home, please refrain from:
1) Bringing a baby with you. Even happy baby sounds are unwelcome during quiet movie dialogue. (Numbskull.)
2) Text-messaging. That handy-dandy screen-light is very annoying to your fellow movie-goers. I CAN HEAR YOU PUSHING BUTTONS! STOP IT! (Idiot.)
3) Chatting with your friend. (Thoughtless brats.)
4) Answering your phone. (Knuckleheads.)
5) Making stupid comments. (Are you twelve?)
If I weren’t such an upstanding citizen, I might have tackled you both. I followed you out of the theater, you know, and I am confident I could totally win in a random smackdown. Bring it on! I’ll take you both on, you twits.
Instead of roughing you up, though, (dingbats!) I asked to speak to a manager and informed her that–thanks to you–this was the worst movie-going experience of my life. (I would have walked out–and stepped on your toes, you inconsiderate jerks–but finding the time to get away to even see this movie was almost impossible.) I accepted two free movie tickets as an apology. I just hope she takes that out of your allowance, you little dim-wits.
* * *
Oh, and the movie? “The Other Boleyn Girl.” I take my movie-going seriously and prepared to see this movie by reading the excellent book first. Save your money and spend it on the book because the movie was a hot mess, thanks to the horrific screenplay and senseless plot. The actors weren’t so great, either.
The book, however, is a must-read. (Some adult content, if you are very sensitive about your reading material . . . but if you are aware of the story of Henry VIII at all, you realize that that is integral to the story and it is tastefully handled.) I am not a huge fan of historical fiction, either, but I really loved this book.
Oh, and if you stumbled onto this blog and feel compelled to scold me for my latent hostility or my narrow-eyed view of stupid teenage girls who bring babies to the movies–spare yourself the trouble. I am aware of my passive-aggressiveness and find it a source of amusement when channeled appropriately (i.e. into this blog rather than grabbing a fistful of straightened blond hair of that girl one seat away who has absolutely no manners and needs to be throttled within an inch of her life to teach her a lesson).