Fatigue pulls at me, grabs me around the shoulders and tries to wrestle me to the ground. Stress tightens the tendons holding my muscles to my bones. Sleep eludes me because my 4-year old daughter checks throughout the night to see if she can sleep with me. When I consent, she coughs into my ear for hours. (She has a little cold.)
A week ago, I laced up my walking shoes and followed a downhill trail to railroad tracks. The dappled sunlight, the scent of blossoms, the sound of burbling water accompanied me on my exploratory walk. The squirrels darted around tree trunks, startling me. A blue jay hopped along, erratic and beautiful.
Today, my meandering has turned into forced participation in a marching band. I’m back at work, keeping beat, following directions, sweeping along and being swept along by the demands of the parade route. No time to deviate, no time to explore inviting shops, no left turns, no right. Just march, march, march, keep the beat, bang the drum, eyes ahead, just another mile, or twenty, must keep time, right, left, right, left. I’ve exchanged my walking shoes and my thoughtful solitude for the clumsy rhythm of this rag-tag marching band and we do not have time to stop, to sit, to rest, to be quiet.
I’m cut into tiny little pieces, boxed up in tidy squares. My brain contracts, shrinks to fit the little world around me, the world of dirt clumps on the floor, socks rolled in to balls and crumpled napkins stuck on dirty plates.
Motherhood makes me tired.
Actual Unretouched Photo 
I had a day like that too…..
I ran an errand in the evening by myself, though, and it was very restorative….
Mary
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me too…
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At last I find out I’m not the only one…thank you for sharing this.
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I can relate. There are days when I want to whine “I don’t want to be the mom anymore,” thinking back to when we played “house” as kids and I ALWAYS had to be “the mom.”
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P.S. To add to your many awards and medals, I’ve given you a thinking blogger award. Do with it what you’d like. ; )
Steph
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I can totally relate. It’s probably why I spend too much time on the computer. I can always create that little space of peace and quiet in my brain as I read little snippets on my screen.
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Your writing is beautiful – I can tell you had a great and successful writer’s conference!
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Spring break + winter weather + three sons= ravenous, argumentative, lethargic, ESPN rivoted, ungrateful, bored boys who refuse to hear me. Hence, I became the shrill screaming mom that I promised I would never become.
I love these young men with all my heart….and this is not a typical day. But I have fought the urge to block all sports networks, install a padlock on the refrigerator, duck tape their lips and slap them silly.
(Can you even think that without being arrested???)
Your blog reminded me that I am not a maniac. I am just bone tired and need to take a hot bath…and start over tomorrow.
Thanks sister friend.
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Thank you sweetie, for verbalising our bleakest moment’s thoughts. My youngest is now 10, he has autism, and when he was 4 I was sleeping on the floor in his bedroom. I could not imagine having a bed, a sleep even, of my own. In fact I used to dream, no, not dream, dreams are for sleeping times, I used to fantasise about having a good night’s sleep. Still now, I have not had an unbroken night, but it’s better, and I have survived. And I would do it all over again. As would you too, wouldn’t you?
Thank you again for your blog, for your words, which even in your despair, uplift me.
E
xx
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Gosh, Mel! I know what it is like to have those bad days. Hope you’re having a better one now!
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Being a tired mother seems to make you into an awesome writer, though!
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