Sometimes, while in the midst of wiping someone’s bottom or while using my thumbnail to scrape crusted food off a place, I contemplate careers. For a few months back in 1990 (or was it 1991?), I worked in an office supply store and I loved it. Sorting pens into their proper bins gave me great satisfaction. I spent almost all my paychecks on merchandise in the store that I bought with my employee discount. And back then, I treated myself to a cookie-cupcake with thick frosting on it during every break, which was a big bonus. Mmmm, the mall food-court!
I loved that job. Not because I earned any money, but because I had fun interacting with the public and organizing stuff in the store.
I worked for two years in customer service for an insurance company. I wrote letters to customers, explaining how I had solved their problems or why I couldn’t solve their problems. I liked the independent nature of the work and I liked writing the letters. But I worked in a windowless cubicle and I was so bored and unchallenged (after the first couple of months). I grew to hate that job. I hated having to go to an office every day. I felt like my creative soul was dying. At that time in my twenties, all I wanted was to become a mother and so, I hated going to work. (Those were the infertile days for me.)
When I was a new bride, I was a legal secretary, not that I had any training whatsoever. My boss had just opened her private practice and I did whatever she told me to do. I typed, I transcribed, I answered phones, I wrote long letters to my friends in other states while I tried to stay awake. I didn’t have enough work to do, plus the law she practiced was mostly real estate and it was boring. But the office was in the center of New Haven, right on the green and it was a lovely location. I felt very cosmopolitan and grown-up working in a city, spending lunch hours at museums or swerving on the sidewalks to avoid crazy homeless people.
All that to say that I’ve been thinking of a few jobs you couldn’t pay me enough to do. I’d rather starve and end up living in a cardboard box on the sidewalk that participate in the following activities:
1) Pedicurist, podiatrist or any job involving adult toes other than my own.
2) Dentist or any job which involves touching other people’s teeth.
3) Any medical profession involving the digestive system.
4) Massage therapist. I’m just not interested in touching people I don’t know.
5) Plumber. Unclogging people’s drains? No, thanks.
Huh. I thought I had a bigger list. What job would you decline under any circumstances? What job would you like to have, if salary or training were not an issue? (I, for one, think working in a bookstore would be delightful. And I’ve always wished I were a midwife, ever since I met a midwife in 1993.)
Well, now it’s time to work with the boys on composition, which is about the most aggravating experience possible. I used to think writing could be taught. Now, I’m convinced that it cannot be taught, anymore than you can teach someone without rhythm or talent how to dance. (I cannot dance.)
Actual Unretouched Photo 
I would never want to be a nurse.
I would love to be a photojournalist and travel the world documenting it in photos. Or the brew master at Sam Adams. Either would do fine.
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I would never want to be, could never handle, bing a waitress – keeping food orders straight, serving them without spilling, putting up with obnoxious customers who think they’re amusing.
I would go totally insane trying to be a pre-school or kindergarten teacher. I helped out in my granddaughter’s class a few times. The kids had an attention span of 2 seconds. I’m sure that teacher was not earning enough money for her skills in keeping it all flowing.
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I really don’t think I could be a telemarketer, or a door-to-door salesman for that matter.
I would love to be a life coach, because while I suck at living my own life, I sure as hell know how you can improve yours. Why is that? I guess it’s easier to dictate than do.
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I could not be a sewer drain inspector.
I’ve been a bookseller and although it is fabulous to be surrounded by books, the problem comes when they expect you to work and to not just read the books. Sigh.
I would be a SAHM. (Grass is always greener on the other side, huh?)
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Ditto on the midwife thing. Ditto on the bookstore. I’d like to work in a fabric store too, just to be surrounded by beautiful textiles because I like to sew. When I’m in the mood. I’d like to be one of those people who go into hospitals and cuddle newborn babies who are failing to thrive. I know they take volunteers for that, but not here in Europe. Must be an American thing. I would NOT like to be a teacher, especially of small children, nor a day care worker. I don’t have the patience. And of course, ditto on the gross stuff like sewer inspectors. Most of all, though, and it probably sounds cutsie and cliche, but I really do love what I do, staying home full time to be a wife and mom and all that that entails. ~Mariah~
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This might be off topic but one book I used as a 6th grade teach was called “Why We Must Run With Scissors-” it’s got great writing ideas for kid who don’t seem to naturally write. It’s mostly persuasive writing and especially boys seemed to get into it. Good luck.
As far as jobs go, all those jobs featured on the show “Dirty Job” come to mind. I keep wondering when they’ll feature a SAHM. 🙂
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I would not want to be a nurse, or any other profession requiring me to cheerfully clean other people bodily excretions. Being a mom includes enough of that!
I’d love to be a novelist, and maybe someday I will. I have the feeling there’s a book in me somewhere.
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I could NEVER be a nurses aid. NEVER.
I want to own an art studio. I’d fill it with light, art books, creative magazines and lots of interesting junk.
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I would not like to have any job that involves poo. Ideal job would be something involving very little work and lots of reading of books and watching tv. But hey, at least I’m honest about how lazy I am!
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I could never be anything that involved bodily fluid from any person besides my family. So all medical practices are out of the question.
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Disinternments in cemeteries…no thank you! Not my cup of tea at all! What I’d LOVE to do is work with abused, throw-away kids…that would be a Life’s dream come true.
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I could not be a housekeeper, as evidenced by the disarray of my house. I am in school to become a nurse, which I think I’ll really enjoy. I have always dreamed of owning a coffee shop/bookstore, just like the one we used to visit in San Diego back in the early days of our marriage. Now THAT would be way cool!
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Cleaning out septic tanks. *double shudder* We lived in a semi-rural area and frequently saw a white van with the name “Triple P Sanitation” on it. Triple P stood for the Pooper Pumper People. Come to think of it, I’d hate to be the wife of one of the Triple Ps, too. Can you imagine doing his laundry?
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I don’t think I could ever be a Respiratory Therapist…the thought of snorking snot from an adult…ewww. It’s bad enough to have to do it to a child, but…well, you get the idea.
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Adoption social workers and wedding planners have a tough job– their clients are soooo emotionally invested…
Mary, mom to many
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A plumber is one, no thank you. Pretty much any job that is on Dirty Jobs, I could handle not ever doing that.
Fun jobs:
I would love to work in a coffee shop, ex. Starbucks or Caribou. I love coffee.
Crazy as it seems I would like to volunteer at a hospital. Make a difference some how!
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Midwifery would be incredible. I have such respect for those women who helped me so lovingly through the most vulnerable experience of birth. And bookstore employee?? Dream job.
I’m going to have to do a blanket ‘ditto’ on all the jobs you and others have put on their no thanks list. Yuck!!
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Have you ever seen that TV show Dirty Jobs? Any way I can’t say which of those I would not, could not do. But believe me there were several I have seen him do, that no way-no how would I do.
Happy Weekend
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Anything involving smells or messes. I have quite enough of that at home, thanks.
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Cindy Swanson sent me your way. What a terrific blog! I worked in a yarn shop in the 70s. It would have been WONDERFUL, except that I got pregnant. Not the yarn shop’s fault, mind you. Anyway, the bright colors of the yarn assaulted my senses so violently, all walled up in their bins, that I could not control my nausea. What should have been pretty, wasn’t. 😉
I am an aspiring novelist, which is what I want to do!
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I could never be a mortician…a circus clown…an accountant…a nun…a sanitation worker…a tatoo artist…or a salesperson of any kind.
I would love to be a figure skater…an interior designer…a restaurant critic…a physician…a riveting preacher…or Oprah!
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I once heard about how profeesional divers can make a ton of money diving to do maintenance in in the city water tanks, the ones that haven’t been filtered yet, basically raw waste. There’s no way you could give me enough money to do that.
I have often dreamed of being a midwife also, or nutritionist/health educator, or teacher, because I love all of the times I have ever taught.
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