The most exquisite moment of my life happened the day I discovered with great certainty that I was pregnant for the first time. Sure, I was already a mother, having traversed the long and dusty trail of infertility and adoption . . . I still remember the afternoon we pulled into the driveway, me sitting between two car-seats holding 7-month old twins. Absolute dread and terror filled me. What had I done? What had we done when we paid money to adopt twin babies? The dream of velvet-cheeked babies that had sustained me for so many months had morphed into the reality of two babies who were kind of cranky from a long ride in the car.
Motherhood was reality. But pregnancy? Pregnancy was pure possibility, absolute anticipation, wide-open dreams. I loved the first days, when my body hid the secret my brain could hardly contain. I was pregnant, with child, no longer barren! I loved the later days when my belly was swollen with unborn dreams.
* * *
The best day of my life was the day my husband asked me to marry him. We sat by a pond in the balmy air of a Missouri September, making promises and dreaming of what the future would hold. During the long drive between our cities, we’d talk and talk about our family, the one we’d have some day. Our conversation held promise, dreams, anticipation. Those were the days before reality, before overdrawn checking accounts, vomiting children and dreary, rain-filled winters.
* * *
The best day ever was the day I held my dreams in my hand, climbed the steep stairs of the Greyhound bus and began my journey to the Midwest. I went to meet my destiny, to find my path, to open the doors with keys I’d find along the way. My life was a blank book, without lines, without words, without color. Anything could happen. The countryside sped by as I gazed out the window, waiting to see my future appear like the sun on the horizon.
* * *
Perhaps the best parts of life are the moments before it happens–the seconds before your first kiss, the blink before you say “I do,” the moment before the line turns blue, the minute before the shoulders clear, the day before kindergarten starts, the weeks before graduation, the day before Christmas, that time just before the clock strikes twelve.
When you stand on the mountain top, ready to swish your way down the hill, everything is right in the world. You hold the moment of pure exhilaration and triumph in the palm of your hand. You haven’t fallen, you haven’t reached the end. Everything is potential.
But the brief seconds of anticipation flicker rather than shine. No one can just stand on the peak of the mountain forever. You have to descend. You can’t grasp those flickering moments or hoard them . . . they slip through your fingers and rush by your head in a blur, leaving you with what’s left: reality.
Reality doesn’t offer the thrills and chills of those moments when anything can happen–your bingo numbers could be called! You could get a perfect score on the SATs! You could spot your soul mate across the room and live happily ever after. Reality is aching shoulders from holding that fussy baby all night. Reality is tripping over size 9 sneakers that your twin babies grew up to stink up. Reality is sharing a bathroom and wiping hair out of the drain.
And so, as the new year begins, I am poised on the pinnacle of anticipation. Anything could happen this year, absolutely anything. The days, weeks and months are unsullied by failure and sickness and tragedy. My calendar is blank, waiting to be filled. I hold possibility in my hands, the chance of success, of satisfaction, of joy.
The trick is learning to savor the anticipation of what’s next while embracing the reality of what’s now. That’s what I’ll be working on this year.
That and reading a book a week.
Do you have resolutions?
Actual Unretouched Photo 
I love this!!!
I’m hoping to be a little more organized this semester with school…no offical resolutions, though….
Mary, mom to many
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That says it all! I agree…. brilliant, Mel. No resolutions from me this year, just the hope to simplify my life. Happy New Year!
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I want to (regularly) spend time planning. Thinking about how I will spend time.
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Great writing once again. Thanks for sharing. And the picture to illustrate it is perfect.
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I resolve to learn to drive a stick shift. I know it sounds silly, but my husband has a Jeep Cherokee that’s a 5-speed, and I can’t drive it! I’m going to remedy that this year.
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I’m just excited to be spending each year moving closer to my Self and seeing who I help move on in their journey. Oh yeah, and do more pilates!
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I resolve to keep my checkbook current, write in all debits the same day – and balance the checkbook within a week of getting the statement. Oh, and totally LOVE the yellow phone!!!
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Well last year was a big one for me. I quit my job of 22 years, started a new job, and became active in animal rescue groups.
This year my first grandbaby is due in 8 weeks! This should be a great one too!
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Love this post.
My resolution is read my Bible more often-hopefully working my way to reading it daily.
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My resolutions:
Pray more
Eat less
Exercise more
Watch TV less
Get rid of more stuff,
Buy less
Laugh more
Criticise less
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I really loved this post, it is beautiful!
My resolution is to ENJOY my life. To enjoy my children. To enjoy my husband. To not care what other people think, as in: to not go into cardiac arrest at the thought of someone coming to my house for a visit (to my super messy, like a cyclone blew through it, house). And, to try to be a little bit organized with said messy house, children, and schedules. Ta-da! Now, where is that magic wand?
Happy New Year! The possibilities are endless.
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No resolutions here. Happy New Year!
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As usual, wow.
Happy New Year, Mel.
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No resolutions here. We already know we’ve got some hard spots coming ahead of us, just trying to prepare for them. We found out a week or so before Christmas my dad-in-law is terminally ill…is having surgery tomorrow the surgeon isn’t sure he’ll come out of. So…on it goes. But God is good…He got us thru this past year, He’ll see us thru this one, too.
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I’m hoping to gain perspective, one that’s less selfish in that my first gut reaction to my children and husband stops being irritation and tension. BUt that’s not really something I can realistically resolve to do. I can only pray it’s done in me.
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Wonderfully written. I love it!
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Nope, no resolutions. Unless you count getting my medical condition under control and getting pregnant. It’s either gonna be this year, or not at all, I’m afraid.
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Yes, I have lots!
I love the perspective you took in writing this! Great 🙂 Thanks for the post!
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That is beautifully written and I agree. Anticipation, to quote a ketchup commerical, is the best part.
My resolution is to make a new friend this year and to have people over more often.
Carrie J
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