Tomorrow is our last day of school. So, today we had to do a bunch of science. Science lessons in this particular curriculum (K12.com) are on-line. And I’ve discovered (to my utter dismay) that my boys don’t stay on track unless I am participating in the lesson with them.
So, at 10 a.m., we’re finally ready to start our lessons. I sit here, one sits on my left, one sits on my right. I read the introductory paragraph about cells and cell processes and then this happens:
Brown-eyed kid: “Hey! That’s my pencil!”
Blue-eyed kid: “So?”
Brown-eyed kid: “Give it back!”
Me: “Look, here’s a pencil right here. Don’t be silly.”
Brown-eyed kid: “GIVE!! IT!! BACK!!”
Blue-eyed kid: “Mom!”
Brown-eyed kid lunges for pencil. Blue-eyed kid darts to side.
Me: “Give the pencil back.”
Blue-eyed kid: “No. I had it first.”
Brown-eyed kid: “He did not!”
Me: “Let me know when you finish arguing and we’ll get to work.” I click to my email account.
Flurry of motion. Brown-eyed kid rushes blue-eyed kid’s hand clutching pencil. In the melee’, my jumbo-sized glass of water spills. Water, water everywhere, on my mousepad, on my pantleg, on the floor, on my desk, on a student guide. I jump up, chair falls over behind me. I shriek.
Me: “NICE JOB! CLEAN!! THIS!! UP!!” (I utter other assorted Christian curse words like, “Geez!” and “Shoot!” and “ARRRRRRG!” Then I stomp upstairs where I slam the door for emphasis and change out of my drenched pants.)
We resume. Blue-eyed kid’s student guide is damp, unwritable, but he retains the pencil. Brown-eyed kid is repentant, but I am royally ticked off. I read the science text in a grim, mechanical voice. I sound like Ben Stein in Beuller’s Day Off. This thought does not amuse me because I am mad and when I say “mad” I mean insane, not just angry.
Blue-eyed kid: “See what you’ve done?” (addressed to brown-eyed brother).
[Just now, this very second, I am interrupted by the children in question. I open the door and find one kid, arm raised in the classic “I’m-going-to-punch-your-brains-out” pose, while other kid taunts him from his reclining position in bed. I snapped off the television, ordered them to their own beds and RIGHT NOW I hear them and will return to their room to sternly warn them and possibly throw them into the driveway where perhaps raccoons will adopt them.]
As you can see, it’s all sunshine and rainbows around here. Not long after we finished our science reading at the computer, I sent the boys to read their individual science textbooks in the living room. They immediately set about bickering and caused my head to actually fly off my shoulders like a firecracker you pick up after it doesn’t light and then it explodes and blows off your hand. Like that. Boom! Splat!
I marched into the living room, attempted to sort out their disagreement, and then said, “You have three minutes. Work it out!” They each wanted to sit in a particular spot to do the reading and neither one would budge. They worked it out before the timer rang. Too bad my head was in uncountable tiny bits of matter stuck to my red kitchen wall already.
If only I could fit them with electric shock collars, everything would be just fine. You think I jest? Ha!
Actual Unretouched Photo 
Except that I have 3 girls, you have just described life at granny’s.
And tonight I have a fourth. Reciprocal sleepover. What sleep?
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Sorry about your head 🙂
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I would absolutely lose my mind if I had to home-school. I don’t think God could give me enough patience to keep from screaming!I adore my 3 boys, but only from 3 pm till 7 am 🙂 I think teachers all over the world deserve a place in heaven.
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I’ve dreamed about just such a thing myself. My two have always bickered like that and everyone assured me “they’ll grow out of it.” When, I ask you, for the love of God, WHEN??? They are about to turn 14 and 20, see each other only once a month (if that) and get along for a maximum of 30 minutes when reunited then it’s back to the same old routine.
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Must have been the way the sun hung in the sky, two of mine argued all.day.long. I finally put them in seperate rooms and made them clean them. One son finished without complaint 15 minutes later, the other, well, 5 HOURS later, his room still wasn’t finished. Said he felt like he would fall over and die. Such a drama king. lol.
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… Christian curse words like, “Geez!” and “Shoot!” and “ARRRRRRG!” …
Hey now. When did those words convert? I think they are multidenominational rather than strictly Christian.
Glad you’ve made it through another school year, Mel. Well done. 🙂
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Ah! The blessings of real family living!
Good luck!
Diane
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Ha ha ha! I’m so relieved to hear honest accounts like this. It’s not that I’m looking for permission to behave like a Roman candle, but to know that it happens gives me the hope I need to meet a new day believing that His mercies are new every morning.
Never ever mix children, computer equipment and water…but then — you know that now. 😉
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Um. Your kids must be related to mine.
Mary
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I bet it was a really cool pencil that cost WAY more than 25 cents.
I like the three minutes to work it out method. I will be applying it. In a decade when leaving my kids to work it out won’t most likely result in blindness, baldness, or death.
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So, this is what I have to look forward to when Caleb gets siblings! My sister and I fought like this growing up…and actually after we were grown and living together in college (except the physical contact part…we were WAY too old for that kind of immaturity!). Now that we are 25 and 27, live in separate cities, and are both about to be mothers, we get along great. See, it does get better!! 🙂
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Well, I think your kids are related to mine. I’m considering dropping them off on the side of the road today.
Are you going to Blogher?
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my children have similarly intelligent disagreements. I want to hide in the bathroom.
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see? my point exactly ;P
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You are scaring me. We travel across 4 states once or twice a year so we can spend a week with our grandchildren. This we are doing next week. We call this vacation, but in actuality the other 51 weeks of the year are the real vacation!
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I know how you feel. There are days that my head explodes as well, then like the guy on Men in Black, I grow a new one. This is how I have learned to handle disagreements like this: I ask my children, “Is this worth arguing over? Is this worth hurting the only person who will be here with you when Mom and Dad are gone? Do you really want to hurt your brother or sister who loves you sooooo muuuch?” This usually works. I like to lay it on real thick in the typical guilt trip like fashion. If that doesn’t work, I take the object of facination and declare that it is mine and assert my total dominance over every move they make by giving them the sternest voice, facial expression, etc.. that I can thereby showing that my head is indeed fixing to explode and if it does, they are cleaning up the mess with toothbrushes. Seeing as my head explodes on a rather routine basis, my kids know the symptoms and usually try to avert the situation. If that doesn’t work, hey, we’re in school, they can always write “I will love my brother” 200 times. Call it handwriting.
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Seesh Mel, that sounds like my house and I don’t home school.
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Another reason I don’t home school.
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So glad I don’t have children.
SO GLAD!!!
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My latest trick is to send my boys to the bathroom when they are arguing. They cannot come out until they have both memorized a Bible verse about brotherly love. At present it works well, but when they are as old as your boys, who knows?
The BEST trick I’ve learned is to cancel time scheduled with friends per our family rule that we must treat each other better than we treat our best friends, or we don’t get to see our friends. Follow through once on this one and you’ll have ’em convinced you mean business.
Of course, you could also have them clean your brain of the kitchen walls. 😉
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And I thought this only happened during home school at our house!
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