Because I Have Spare Time Somewhere And A Special Message To Spammers

Blogging, Funny Ha-ha 2 Minutes

I know.  You were thinking, that Mel . . . such a slacker . . . can’t she fit more into her barren excuse for a life? 

So, I’ll also be writing for Largerfamilies.com–I’m sure you noticed that logo over on the left.  Click on it and you’ll find a bunch of resources, including a blog, for those who are raising larger-than-average families or those who are curious about those who are raising larger-the-average families.  I’ll be one of about a dozen bloggers contributing weekly.

So, click.  Enjoy.  Let us know what you think.  See you over there.  (And, of course, don’t forget to check my ClubMom blog every day because really, don’t you need a second daily dose of me?)

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Dear Spammers,

I hate you.  I hope you fall off your computer chair and bruise your butt.  I hope your keyboard electrocutes you.  I hope you stub your toe really hard and break it.  I hope flying staples scratch your eyeballs. 

I hope you get a paper cut in your most sensitive area.  I hope your hair falls out right in the front where everyone looks.  I hope your knee caps dissolve.  I hope your spine snaps in two.  I hope your eardrums burst and pus fills your nasal cavities. 

I hope your elbow gets stuck in the open and locked position.  I hope fleas infest your hair, all of it.  I hope a fork accidentally impales you.  I hope fire singes off your eyebrows and your nose-hairs.  I hope a giant pimple grows right in the center of your nose. 

I hope barking dogs disturb your sleep and attack you when you walk to your mailbox.  I hope lightening strikes you.  I hope you walk in your sleep and fall off a cliff.  I hope you drown in snake-infested water.  I hope an alligator eats you, head first. 

I hope your skin gets caught in a zipper.  I hope you get hangnails on all ten fingers.  I hope your fingers get frostbite and fall off.  I hope a collapsing building crushes you.  I hope you fall into an erupting volcano.  I hope a shark bites off your arms. 

I hope you rely on a food-bank and are only given Spam Luncheon Meat to eat, you rotten scummy loser.

Sincerely,

Mel

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18 thoughts on “Because I Have Spare Time Somewhere And A Special Message To Spammers”

  3. Wow, Mel! You must be writing full time now! How wonderful!

    Oh, but how I do beseech thee to hate the spam, but love the spammer! Perchance their smarmy offspring will come to thine Fiesta and recognize thine countenance. Then where wilt thou be? Verily, heed the warning and turn from thine evil pronouncements, before it is too late and thine own stapler malfunctions. Or, thine own offspring become spammers.

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  4. Yikes! I hope I don’t ever get on YOUR bad side! That’s a whole lotta pent up resentment! 🙂

    Congrats on the new gig! Now we’re going to start thinking you’re super-mom juggling all those responsibilities and still finding the time to keep us entertained. 🙂

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  5. HAHAHA!!! Excellent. I adore you right now.
    I needed that… I just went and deleted EVERY COMMENT I HAD ON MY BLOG when I installed HaloScan commenting… WAAHHH!!!

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  6. Ahh. I hate when I get spam. As a matter of fact I had the worst spam on my home email account. I have no idea how we get this stuff!! Thanks for writing that Mel, it was so funny.

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  10. Oh Mel… that’s just crazy-talk.

    I was with ya on the eaten by an alligator part, but come-on… head-first? Now you’ve gone too-far.

    Everyone knows that alligators would rather clamp-down on a body part and “death-roll” until he rips a sizable chunk off for consumption. Your “head-first” hope is implausable and just plain impractical.

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  11. Mel I seriously ask you how in heavens name do you find the time. I scrape my shoes at your doorstep, I doff my hat, I bow profusely…How my dear girl? How?

    And was it just this morning that I wrote an entire entry on the death of my blog? And was it not yesterday that I wrote a boring entry on someone elses lovely house?

    The boredom over at the dishpan is enough to make one weep. I’ve grown lukewarm. I’ve lost my first love. Truly every blog roll should spit me out.

    So now tell us dear how under the sun do you find the inspiration and the time? The time…lady.. the time…it’s all about the time…pleeease tell me lest my blog dies this very week!

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  16. Pingback: » It Will Just Have to Do - Actual Unretouched Photo

  17. Do I get the feeling here that you hate spammers?!? :-O I’m sorry to hear about the estrangement between you and your sister. Hopefully yours will get resolved before 14 years go by, sigh…aren’t families grand?!?

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