Dear Children in my house,
While I appreciate your enthusiasm for staying hydrated, is it necessary to use an average of five glasses per person in one day? Also, trash does not belong on the floor.
Love,
Mom
* * *
Dear Girls at the Movie Theater,
I gave you that free ticket to see “The Break-up” because Fandango had a buy-one-get-one-free offer. I know you wondered about the weird frizzy-haired woman who was passing out free tickets, but it was just me, doing a random act of kindness. I hope you enjoyed the movie.
Kindly,
The Crazy Old Lady
* * *
Dear Jennifer Aniston,
While you have enviable arms and a well-toned body, the ending of your movie left me wondering if perhaps the studio ran out of money or ideas. We did laugh, the audience and I, at several moments during the movie, but the ending? We did not like it. Next time, do better.
One of Millions Who Made Your Movie a Box-Office Success,
Just Jealous of Your Body
* * *
Dear Lady in the Front Row of the Movie Theater,
Babies do not belong in movie theaters. Get a babysitter, you cheapskate. If I wanted to hear a baby babble and cry, I would have gone to the grocery store. People like you should not have children.
Judgmentally yours,
The Annoyed Lady in the Back Row
* * *
Dear Sneaky Value-Village Shopper,
I found the Alfani pump you hid on the wrong shelf six feet away from its partner. While trying it on, I noticed a hidden pair of Nine West pumps (kind of like these) which also fit. Sorry I outsmarted you. Both pairs of black pumps are just what I had in mind when I said to myself this morning, “I really need a new pair of black pumps.”
Sincerely,
A Superior Shopper
* * *
Dear Hair,
Please stop being so frizzy. Thanks.
Love,
Your Caretaker
* * *
Dear Laundry,
Stop piling up.
Sincerely,
Overwhelmed Mother Who Spent the Afternoon Buying Shoes for $14.99 a Pair
* * *
Dear Julie,
You inspire me.
Giving credit where credit is due,
Mel
Actual Unretouched Photo 
Dear girls,
When you remove the twistie thing from around the gallon milk carton, how much harder can it be to walk to the trash can with it? It’s already in your hand.
Love,
Granny
P. S. I’m sure they do it to torment me. I find them everywhere.
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Didn’t see the Break Up yet, would love her body, too, and I heard that THAT ending was one they went back and re-shot.
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My favorite was the letter from Superior Shopper. Good for you!
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Funny post. I think that was me in the front row with the baby.
Mary, mom to many
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I knew that Jennifer Anniston movie was too-good to be true. I think I still have to see it though, as compensation for making Bookie sit through Rambo’s 1 and 2. At least with my movies, ya knew exactly what you were getting, and she was actually amped to see Rambo 3… but I had to talk her down from the ledge because everyone knows Rambo 3 sucked.
Word on the letter to the lady in the theatre with the baby (That’s slang for “I agree with you.”)
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Dear flowers I planted yesterday,
Did you have to die two hours later leaving me feel totally inept at this gardening thing?
Sincerely,
My Green-turned-black thumb
Dear fly buzzing around my head,
Stop it!
Yours truly,
Annoyed
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Your letter to the laundry is the same letter I write to mine!
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I’d like a free movie ticket please, and possibly a little coaching on the sneaky ways of shoe hunting.
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Too funny! Yours is the second “letters posts” I’ve read today. You both have very clever letters!
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Dear Mel,
Last Friday we were driving to the Coast and got stuck in such rotten traffic that we abandoned I-5 and bravely made our way through the surface streets of Takuma. And all the time we were maneuvering around and trying to figure out where we were and how we would get to where we were going, an excited little voice in my head kept saying, “Mel lives somewhere near here! Maybe Mel is RIGHT NEARBY!”
And then another voice in my head, less excited, more judgmental, replied: “elswhere, you are a stalker.”
And henceforth I kept my eyes on my disintegrating map of Washington.
Respectfully,
Your Fan
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I used to have the opposite problem, which annoyed my Mom. I would use the SAME cup for days and keep refilling it. I got this…thermos mug thing from Las Vegas and was attached to it. She would steal it and wash it when she could. I miss that thing.
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Dear Mel,
You made milk come out my nose… and I’m not drinking any, nor am I lactating.
Laughing out loud at my desk when I should be working on… something,
Shalee
PS I was completely honored to see my blog on your sidebar. That made me smile because I completely call you friend too.
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I’m glad to see that kids have not changed. I remember my mother saying the same things to me and I believe that I have said the same things to my nieves and nephews (I have no kids of my own). Your post made me smile. Oh for frizzy hair try this.
http://www.allbeautyproducts.com/shared/product.asp?id=15544&txt=ZERO+FRIZZ
It’s about $4 or so at Wal-mart but it lasts forever and really works. I love it.
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