Do you remember when I wrote about Lance Armstrong’s divorce? Way back when he was in the news for winning the Tour de France for the seventh time, I announced my dismay at his inability to keep his marriage together. (And I was taken to task by some of my more judgmental readers about my judgmentalism. Ha. Good times. I loved the irony.)
And now, his ex-wife speaks out. Kristin Armstrong has written about what she wishes she’d known about marriage before she tied the knot. (Go ahead and read that article published in “Glamour” magazine. I’ll wait.)
She explains, “Here is the truth as I see it: Marriage has the potential to erode the very fiber of your identity.”
(I wish I could stop rolling my eyes long enough to respond. Let’s just move on to the next excerpt.)
She says:
“If I were to do things over again, I wouldn’t have thrown myself so irrevocably into my new life. I would have guarded the things that made me feel like me —the places, the friends —and above all I would have spoken up about my needs. Instead, I will leave you with a lesson about how a woman can hold on to the bright, hard flame of who she is.
If your husband asks what you think, tell him. If you have a preference, voice it. If you have a question, ask it. If you want to cry, bawl. If you need help, raise your hand and jump up and down. I spent five years juggling kids, travel, cooking, smoothing. I never once said that I couldn’t do it on my own, or that I was just plain tired. I became a prisoner to my own inability to say uncle when life squeezed me too hard. The warden was pride, and I remained in maximum security.”
When she appeared on “Oprah,” Oprah intoned solemnly that this was the exact reason she never married. She didn’t want to lose any part of herself. I was shaking my head.
While I can understand this struggle to maintain the vestiges of a former life and the grief over loss (loss of freedom, loss of identity, loss of car, loss of dog, as Kristin explains), I cannot understand the wholesale disposal of a family in the personal quest to “hold onto the bright, hard flame of who she is.”
When you have a husband, your life is no longer all about you. And when you have children? And you describe how you gave up your dog? And your car? And about how hard it was to live in France with your superstar husband? I’m not feeling the sympathy. I mean, if she sat here in my living room on my old tattered couch, I might nod and murmur sympathetic noises, but I’d be wondering how you just break apart a family like a loaf of bread. A big piece for me, a little piece for you.
No one is to blame for Kristin’s five-year agony of losing herself in servanthood, but Kristin. (Come to think of it, isn’t serving one another a large part of being a follower of Christ? Aren’t we called to serve our spouses and our families?) But I have to ask . . . five years? She gave it a shot for five years? That’s it? That’s only a year longer than high school, hardly a drop in the bucket when you consider the scheme of things.
I have no idea what really happened in the Armstrong marriage. But I still find it disappointing that two intelligent, accomplished, attractive, people who are old enough to know better couldn’t manage to keep their marriage intact. Their kids will forever pay the price for that failure, as all children of divorce pay for their parents’ mistakes in one way or another.
I hear the protests now: “That’s not fair! My sister/ aunt/ friend/ acquaintance divorced and her kids are doing grrrreat!” Or, “I’m so glad my parents divorced! Life was horrible while they argued!” And, “My ex-husband and I are better parents now that we’re no longer married.” And all that may well be true.
So, you throw a child from the roof and the child survives with only a scratch. Another child ends up paralyzed. Many break their bones. Occasionally, one dies. Most develop a fear of heights and refuse to even climb a set of stairs.
Divorce isn’t much different. Sure, some kids survive unscathed. Most only have scars. Some bear life-long injury and paralysis. A lot develop fears, fear of abandonment, fear of commitment, fear of love itself. Why take a chance?
Clearly, I have a bias, one shaped by my own parents’ divorce, by my Christian worldview. I am unapologetic for that. Some would say that I’m not “over” my parents’ divorce. That’s the point, isn’t it? Divorce is the “gift” that keeps on giving long after the pain has faded. I’m high-functioning, successful, happy, and yet, I was damaged by divorce.
I believe marriages are not meant to be crumpled up and tossed away so you can start over, especially when you’ve brought children into the world. (Sometimes, certainly, divorce is the only reasonable choice, but fifty percent of the time?)
Marriage has the potential to shape you into the person you were meant to be, if you stop complaining long enough about injustice of your life and let it. But servanthood, truly putting other people before ourselves, is more outdated then my twenty-year old stone-washed denim “skinny” jeans. It’s completely unfashionable to choose to be last, to be least, to serve.
More than once, I’ve heard women exclaim, “I wash the laundry and I fold it. He can put it away! I will not!” as if their servanthood has legal limitations and conditions. No one wants to serve. No one wants to be last. No one wants to lose themselves. We all think we deserve fifteen minutes of fame and a winning Lotto ticket and a flattering hairstyle, besides. We all want to be Happy all the time.
I think being faithful matters a lot more.
So, Kristin can rattle off her list of “Things That Make Me Happy.” That’s got to be some consolation to her children who are now growing up in a broken home. (Can you not figure out what makes you happy even while you are married? That’s all I’m saying. Well, that and five years?)
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I tihnk you make a lot of interesting points here. Do 50% of marriages need to end in divorce, the destruction of that relationship? I doubt it, too. I think what happens very often is something I call Relationship Momentum. When things go well it is easy to see everything your partner does from a positive filter and things continue to go well. However, when things start to go badly, the exact opposite happens and we start to view the actions of our partner from a negative perspective which increases tension and stress increasing negativity. The longer that goes on the harder it is to imagine that it could go back to the way it was. That’s when couples start thinking about affairs, about working too much, about divorce. They believe the relationship has died when it probably only has been rolling in negative momentum for quite some time.
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For sure divorce scars the children. My husband will never get over his mother picking him up from school at age 10 and telling him that they were now living with Grandma and that his Dad moved back with his own mom. His life was forever changed, and he can remember that like it was yesterday.
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I think I was one of those judgemental ones you wrote ok, lol.
I have to say that today’s society seems to mirror Kirstin’s thought’s on marriage. Instead of the leaving and cleaving attitude, we have a whose light shines brighter one.
That’s not how marriage works. That’s how marriage fails.
Great post.
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I read somewhere recently the comment by a woman who refered to her marriage and motherhood as her ministry. The service that she did for her family was her way of being more Christlike. Aren’t we told that as we lose ourselves we find ourselves? Sometimes it’s just so hard to trust that the finding part will happen– especially when we’re sure we already know where we are. Great post as always, Mel!
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Ever the light of reason… marriage is, first and foremost, a partnership. Two people are partnered, ostensibly to work on common goals. That changes each partner, they evolve, they become a different person, but each is a self, but attached to another human.
I think that marriage cannot be understood until you’re married. When there’s children involved, it’s not something that should be torn apart for selfish reasons.
I wonder why Sheryl Crow and Lance broke up… (I’m not up on pop culture…)
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Wow. There are so many incredible points that you made here, all I can think is AMEN, AMEN, AMEN. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one shaking my head at Kristen’s comments on marriage. I’m in awe at your articulicity. Mine is so far depleted I have no problem publicly making up words in an effort to emulate…
I think you took a bold position here—because it appears to be taboo anymore to say anything against divorce. At first we abhor, then we endure then we embrace then we adore.
I grieved over the loss of my “singlehood” shortly into my marriage. Now I “grieve” over my loss of freedom because I have children. I wouldn’t trade the marriage, the children, or the grief for anything. I do however draw the line at putting away his clean clothes.
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This post is very thought provoking. I don’t know why some marriages make it and some don’t. When things have gotten rough during my nine years of marriage, I’ve had to remember that the covenant I made was not just with my husband, it was with my God as well. Looking at it that way makes the marriage seem more serious and binding to me.
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Bravo!!!!!!! Well said and you’ve got me thinking….that’s why I love coming here!
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Wow Melodee you wrote my very thoughts. Rob and I watched that Oprah and were completely disgusted. It was rather ironic because I have been a Lance Armstrong “hater” for awhile, ever since their marriage crumbled. The impression I got was he was now too big and famous for their marriage and I considered her the victim. Now I consider the children the victims for sure. Like you said, she completely had the institution of marriage WRONG. You have to compromise.
Melodee that was a great piece you wrote!! Thanks for sharing.
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Divorce errodes a child’s innate sense of security in life, opening the door to loss of trust, self-confidence and other fears that may not have otherwise shown up. I know, I am from there, and I won’t take my children there.
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Mel, you’ve done it again. You put into words the thoughts in my head that which I’m unable to string together in such an eloquent way.
I’m a child of divorce. I was thrown from that roof and became paralyzed. Divorce has a way of numbing any feeling of trust you have in life. As an adult I’ve chosen not to allow that to define me. But what a shame that I have had to make that decision for my life. It shouldn’t have been a question.
Kuddos to you!
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Amen to Meredith. I’m the “poster child” of a child of divorce who “turned out great.” Truth is, my heart is still shattered 30 years later. Oh, I’m successful and happy, but I still have trust issues and it affects my marriage and my friendships to this day. Marriage is hard. I’ve been married 11 years and it is still hard…but most things worth anything are. You’re right on target, Mel, when you mention that one can search for happiness while still married. As the old saying goes, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
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Excellent post. I wrote about Lance way back when as well. I was just so angry that someone who had been to the brink of death did not hold family above “winning”.
I wrote about it here: http://jody2ms.com/?p=34
Can you tell I was a bit angry at him. LOL I just expected more from him, you know?
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I don’t think you should go through your marriage without ever expressing your needs but, I agree it is your own responsibility to do that. Marriage is a partnership and a healthy one requires two people serving each other. However, I think that when people hear the “lay your self down” speech, they don’t understand that when you lose yourself, you get your “self” back and more.
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Mel,
I’m a “grown-up child of divorce”. My parents divorced after thirty five years of marriage. Our family was (and is) forever changed…..
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Mel, Great post. I read that article and was also shaking my head. I loved it when you said, “Divorce is the “gift” that keeps on giving long after the pain has faded.” My in-laws divorce of 12 years ago is still “giving” to us, especially now that we have a child. I could just go through your post and list everything I agree with, but who has time for that? Just reread your post and you’ll know. But, just one more thing you said that I have been doing a lot of thinking and praying and writing about lately…”(Come to think of it, isn’t serving one another a large part of being a follower of Christ? Aren’t we called to serve our spouses and our families?)” YES. That’s what it’s all about. The ONE thing I agree with Kristin about…we do focus too much on the planning and excitement rather than preparing our hearts for a MARRIAGE!!! Ok, I’m off my soap box. Thanks for getting this discussion going and doing it so eloquently. Blessings.
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Very well said. I agree 100%.
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Very good post, Mel. I think I’d also add society’s current trend of not taking personal responsibility for one’s own actions to the list of reasons contributing to the failure of so many marriages.
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Mel,
This was a grea post. I am sure most people don’t realize that serving comes with the marriage and children. It has been difficult for me to give up things, yet being a child of divorce twice. I didn’t want to make the same mistake with my kids.
But, I will say, I think if Kristin would have had a support system in place it would have been easier for her with the adjustments. Many young girls don’t know what they are getting themselves into. She even said that pride was her biggest enemy. Many women don’t reach out for help when they need it, whether that is from the husband or another girlfriend. I think this is where we could help strengthen marriages. Yet, it is still up to them.
Great post!!
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okay, i was totally thinking he said “Levon”…and i’m all “Levon? is that someones’ name?? LEVON what??”…BELIEVE on..NOW i get it. haha. thanks.
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Awesome post, Mel.
Before my husband and I married, the pastor who performed our ceremony sat us down and told us that love is a choice—the romantic gooey feelings will leave and return over and over throughout our marriage. Every day you wake up and make the choice to love your spouse. Some days it is easier than others.
What a gift he gave us.
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Well–you go girl! I do wish more couples would realize…that when you are married–you can’t always rely on feelings. You must rely on comittment–your covenant with God–to get you through the dry times!
However, I do understand a bit of what Kristen is speaking of. It must have been very cold in Lance’s shadow! My own husband is an executive–much of his life involves leading and controlling not only his business but everything he is involved in. From time to time–I have felt completely overshadowed by his presence. At dinner functions–I am invisible. At conferences, I am an appendage…..
THAT is….if I allow it. I have discovered that there is room in this marriage for both of our personalities. We had to address the issue–we had to talk it through. He didn’t even know how invisible I felt, how lonely I felt, how alone I felt. Thankfully–he cared enough to make, not huge changes, but simple steps to invite me to be a bigger part of his life. Maybe in the case of the Armstrong’s –this wasn’t an option. Well–it may have been an option–but not one granted.
Servanthood in a relationship is much safer when their is self-less love. Love that demands strangles and paralyzes the other. Love that is indifferent sufficates.
It is always difficult to make a judgement from the outside in……but I agree with your basic philosophy wholeheartedly. However, Lance may not have! And sometimes the sudden appearance of wealth and fame slows down the ability to calmly think through and make a spiritually sound decision.
I am thankful that my husband took the time to hear me–that I felt safe enough to voice my feelings–and that we leaned on our comittment to marriage and not the temporary feelings of frustration. That’s a win-win situation! No one gets lost in that scenerio!
Diane
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You are so very right. All I can think is that my husband and I are coming up on five years ourselves, and here I am, away from my family, (except my baby) having a little bit of my “old” life, and I just really wish they could be here with me. I’m not used to the part of me that was me without them. It’s probably good for me to be away for a short period of time, but I’ve given myself so much to my husband and children that part of me would be gone forever if I ever left the small village that is my family. I value that part more now, than the old, single me. That’s what Oprah doesn’t see, I think, that the new creation, once you “lose” those other things might just be better than the old you ever was.
I think it changes things a lot to go from “being taken advantage of” to “serving the person I love most in the world” in your mind. And, in the case of a superstar husband, knowing that in a marriage union, what is good for one is good for both, if you put the other’s good above your own.
Whoa, that was a great discussion post, and I’m about to write a novel in response. Thanks, Mel.
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Man, I had so many great thoughts while reading your entry, but now they’re gone again. I’ll try to recoup a few of them and sum up:
* Even without the “Christian” tag, in marriage, we are supposed to serve one another. We are supposed to be one another’s helpmates. Even if that means you have to gently “tap” your spouse on the back of the head and say, “Hey, I need some help here,” more often than not he will give you the help you need.
* Giving up on a marriage of five years: I’ve been with my husband for thirteen years, and there were many times when it would have been far easier to give up and walk away, when we just didn’t speak the same language, or came up against what seemed to be insurmountable differences of lifestyle, etc. But we didn’t. Because of the girls, but also because we do love each other, and writing somebody off because they don’t agree with you is just ridiculous. Even more so when you have a commitment together to raise, steward and protect little children into adulthood.
I could go on and on, but instead I’ll just say “Great post!”
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Kristin Armstrong said “Marriage has the potential to erode the very fiber of your identity. If you aren’t careful, it can tempt you to become a ‘yes woman’ for the sake of salvaging your romantic dream…. It can lure you into a pattern of pleasing that will turn you into someone you’ll hardly recognize and probably won’t like. I am warning you because I only wish someone had warned me.”
I became a ‘yes man’ for the sake of salvaging my romantic dream of sweeping my wife up and out of the abusive home of her childhood. But the abuse followed her into the marriage, and my own weaknesses led me to a “pattern of pleasing” her to try to keep her happy, to try to make a better world than what she had growing up.
Childhood abuse leaves dark scars on a psyche, dark scars only the abuse victim and God can erase. I now understand (that which I did not understand on the way into marriage) that I cannot erase the scars for her, especially not by bearing scars from her.
But it’s not marriage’s fault. It is “fear”, not marriage, that “has the potential to erode the very fiber of your identity.” It is “fear” that leads us in all sorts of situations, including careers, to “tempt you become a ‘yes woman'” (or man, as the case may be.)
Marriage should not mean the obliteration of self for the sake of the other. It should, however, include both people carefully examining their hearts for sin against their spouse and repenting of it. Everyone sins. Kristin and Lance both.
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Reading the comments has been as wonderful as reading your post Mel. You have thoughtful readers.
The thing that struck me most strongly in your article was this:
She (Kristin) explains, ”Here is the truth as I see it: Marriage has the potential to erode the very fiber of your identity.”
I completely disagree with this. Marriage has allowed me to learn so much more about myself. In the giving of myself and the serving of my husband and my children I am learning what I am capable of and of my potential to nurture. Then on the other side of it, my husband is my biggest supporter of me figuring out who I am. With him holding me up I am able to fight through my anxieties and doubts and do things and learn things that make me a stronger, brighter, and better person.
If we weren’t committed to an eternal marriage it would have been very easy for my husband and I to get divorced within the first few years. We went through some rough patches. I am so grateful, I have a perspective that is much further reaching.
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I wonder if Kristin Armstrong felt this way throughout her marriage or only after she was very publicly replaced with a celebrity?
Does it salvage your ego to declare you were never happy in the marriage rather than you’re heartbroken about the divorce?
You’re more likely to have Oprah nod emphatically (and always make it about Oprah, of course!) if you declare marriage was a prison than if you are a sad Hollywood ex-wife.
I don’t know her motives or her heart but I do see that the result is a “strong woman” who isn’t torn up about the divorce, giving women more false stereotypes about the benefit of divorce. Sad.
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I’ve been married for almost 7 years, so I by all means do not consider myself an expert. But we have bonded more in the last 2 years than the first 5. And there were lots of times in the first 5 that we talked (more like shouted irrationally) about divorce. I shudder to think if we had carried through with it. I think there was a lot of growing up we had to do, and that does include setting aside our personal agendas to grow our marriage. The marriage does not happen on the wedding day, and I think that is an expectation newlyweds have, is that after the reception, they are “cleaved.” And that’s just not the case, it takes time. This was a very thought provoking post, and thanks for having the courage to address this misconception of life after the wedding.
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Amen Mel.
Divorce is what happens when people raise children to know instant gratification, selfish ambition and self-centered individuals, no ethics, no purpose or to not believe in a little thing called “stick-to-it-ness”.
If divorce is so great, why is there a higher suicide rate, higher counseling attendance in children, greater fears in intimacy?
Thank you for calling a lie, a lie and an immature attitude a stupid move.
Having been married 14 years and almost stupid enough to go that direction, but blessed enough to have God knock some sense into me, I think I know that of which I speak. I am more thankful and appreciative for my husband now than when we were honeymooners and unaware of the work involved in marriage. But it is a work of love and it has its own special rewards.
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I’m torn about divorce. 50% is pretty ridiculous whichever way you look at it, though.
Others have said it, and I don’t know that I’m even qualified, having only been in this game for 2.5 years…But the person I am now is a much better, stronger, smarter, more secure, patient, loving, gentle, generous, caring person than the one I was before I committed to this partnership. I don’t want the old me back, and I don’t think anyone else does either!
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My parents divorced after 20 years of marriage and I am one of those ridiculously silly girls that thought marriage was expendable. I was only married for 3 years and thankfully in my stupidity didn’t have children that I took down with me when we divorced.
In the middle of my divorce, I started reading a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, thinking this might help me change the choices that were being made. It came too late though. The book’s theme was “God’s purpose in marriage is to make you Holy, not happy.” My pride and selfishness and expectations destroyed many years and broke more hearts than just his and mine. I about lost my eyeballs they rolled so far in the back of my head listening to that interview on oprah. Though, to be fair, I can’t hold the Armstrongs or anyone else not claiming to follow Christ to the obedience and worship He’s called me to. I can wish that the value of a promise and the heart of a child was more important than their pride, career or “happy list.”
I’ve been married two years now and I often think of those foolish years where I thought I was what mattered. Everytime I’m tempted to rage with resentment or expectations, I’m quickly reminded of the hidden lesson in holiness I would be missing if I didn’t put myself aside to honor promises I made. My happy list can be checked off line by line when I can say that I’ve acted with grace, honor, commitment, sacrifice, humility, wisdom and patience towards those I promised to love. As you can imagine, my happy list isn’t often checked off completely, but it certainly ain’t my husband’s fault and I’m grateful he stands by me, holding my hand day after day while I learn.
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What is it about our society causes women to think that they have to give up who they are when they get a husband? Our husbands chose us for who we are, our opinions, questions, personalities, insecurities and needs. Why do we think we need to stop being that person? I think that may be why husbands stray, the wives that subvert themselves entirely to please them become boring and not who they envisioned sharing the rest of their lives with. We best serve our families by bringing all that we are to the table and finding how to be ourselves fully in the place we find ourselves, not by leaving it or reserving our best parts for private moments away from them. What Kristen says in the second paragraph sounds right, we should be like that, but the context in which she says it is all wrong. She should have started doing that before she left.
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Hi….I think I got here from Emma’s blog.
I loved your post. Great thoughts! This is something I have been contemplating lately. Thanks for sharing.
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Wow, these are indeed some wonderful comments.
I’m not going to say that Hubba-hubba and I were on the brink of divorcing, but when my hypothyroidism was undiagnosed, I was suffering from a lot of debilitating side effects that were eroding our marriage.
I thank goodness that we stuck through it, because all it took to save our marriage was a tiny little pill that I have to take every day for the rest of my life. Soooo worth it.
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C’mon now Mel. This very blog is a way for you not ‘lose’ yourself. You like getting comments. You like the attention. You like having all these people agree with you. It’s all about you.
I think it’s very easy to lose yourself and your own identity in a marriage and don’t tell me being your own self is not important because it is.
You’ve found a way to not ‘lose you’ in a world where you are not really you. You’re the pastor’s wife or you’re this child’s mother or that child’s mother etc. Here you can have this place where we know you as Mel and your husband is “Mel’s husband” and your children are “Mel’s children”.
I don’t think people mind serving if they think they’re being served in return. Are you going to tell me you do all this stuff for your husband and he gives you nothing in return? You would still be serving him if that were the case?
Divorce is difficult. Life is difficult. Children goes through all kinds of trauma. Everyone I meet says they come from a dysfunctional family. At least from the outside Lance Armstrong’s children appear to be loved. That’s more than many children of married parents can say.
If I had to choose the gift that keeps giving I’d much rather be a child of divorce in two loving homes than a child of married parents who are cold and distant.
Dysfunction is really the gift that keeps on giving, divorce is merely a symptom.
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Amen! I agree that serving one another is a concept that is lost on our American society. On the other hand, I also know that “losing yourself” in a relationship is a very real and painful problem, but it is one that we have the power to address! I read an article recently on how spoiled our children are because families completely revolve around them. Mom’s are ignoring their own self care and giving their children the wrong message. I can see a woman losing herself in this type of situation. Many who think they are being supermom by putting themselves last over and over, day after day and ignoring their own needs are not only harming themselves, they are harming their families. I can see how this could easily lead to divorce.
As Christians, part of our job is to be faithful to our marriages and work through our issues so that the world can see how beautiful a mature, lasting relationship is. Another part of our job is showing compassion to those who have been through failed marriages. I know Jesus would.
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My dad left my Mom the very day of their 30th wedding anniversary. He says he has a right to be “happy” His “happiness” has come at great cost to me and a host of others. Not to mention the death of my good relationship with my father. There is no easy time to break you vows, no time when it no longer affects the kids. And like someone said, its the hurt that keeps hurting in new and horrible ways every day.
If there is a problem, fix it. If you are hurt, speak up! If you are lonely, do something about it. If you are no longer “in love” get over it!
But don’t tell your kids that you love them, because you don’t. You just love yourself if you break your vows and leave your marriage.
R
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I’m kinda at a middle ground, I can understnad Ms. Armstrong, how she ended up where she is and why she feels the way she does, and perhaps if she had learned the lessons she speaks of perhaps she would have been able to keep her marriage alive. My parents are divorcing after 29 years of marriage, I am about to celebrate my 1st year. And I pray daily that I find the ability to hold on to the parts of myself that I need to not feel lost and stifled, and that I can serve my husband and child in our family in the way that most glorifies christ. I don’t think she was blaming anyone for finding her self lost, I think she was doing exactly what she said she needed to do warn other women not to let it happen to them. I watched my parents fight for their “identity” at the expense of myself and my siblings, and if they had learned how to be themselves in their marriage then perhaps they could have gotten to year thirty. But it did teach me to be aware and honest and real about my marriage and keeping it sacred and loving myself (which is the reminder I got from her article) is for me an intricate part of doing that.
p.s Personally I am glad that Oprah, whom I admire, has never marriend and given birth given how she feels about marriage and such things. if more people were that honest with them selves, then the divorce rate would probably be much lower.
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Melanie, a very good article laying out so many issues and concerns. I have been divorced two times and have 3 children, 2, Josh and Wes from my 1st marriage and 1, Harrison from my last. Josh is 25 Wes is 19 and Harrison is 81/2. I can only say for me that there is a thin line between persistance and committment, and maschocism and dispair, anger and pain..for all concerned. My ex wives and I have worked very hard to minmize the impact of our divorces on the kids. However I weep and am forever saddened by the fact that I did not live in the same house with my children and their mother. To see those who do that, believe me it is a huge loss for all concerned, and divorce will always have an everlasting transforming effect on the entire family as they live though it. It is also a situation that never ends. You never get through divorce with children you always live with divorce when children are involved. There is no right or wrong of it. You marry young, sometimes you grow with each other and sometimes you grow appart. Sometimes you might have made it through if you had greater faith and help and committment, and just as often, there comes a time when you just know that you must get a divorce at any cost as life together has become an ongoing torture.
I have been a big fan of Lance’s since he was a teenager. I was a big fan of Kirstin as I read “It’s not about the bike”. I too was saddened when they divorced, they were the golden couple, and I so wanted it all to be perfect. But still every time I had a conversation with a woman about Lance after the seperation and divorce, almost without excpetion these women’s eyes narrowed, their nostrils flared, and they attacked and scorned him, and said how could he have done that to his family. All of this by people who did not have the faintist idea about who and what the Armstrong’s were and why their marriage did not work out. I was amazed by this contept before consderation. These judgements without any facts of evidence. Who knows why it happened. But I so agree with you that is not because of Kristin’s losing herself in her marriage, and letting her soul slip away. I beleive it was way more complicated then that, and though she did lose her sense of self, that could have easily been overcome,if they had wanted to.
I belive that the huge wave that was Lance Armstrong, great rider getting cancer, brain tumors, almost dying, and overcoming it all with the help of a great wife to become perhaps the greatest athlete and becon of light to all cancer victims everywhere. Nothing can diminish what they together created. How could she have known about the story they were about to write. Again, I love and admire them both, may God guide their souls Yours, Marc
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Hey girl – You have to check out my blog. We are dealing with divorce coming up the first few weeks in first grade. It’s so common now and it makes me so sad. It made my son sad just to think about it! Love your blog! Amy
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Ok, I know this post is VERY VERY old, but hey, I am catching up. You know, as someone getting married very soon myself, I really value your insight on marriage. I wrote something slightly similar, but far less nice in my blog lol. I really believe if people used more common sense, the divorce rate wouldn’t be as hight either. It seems as though society is all about self improvement…make yourself happy, do what you want, go after your dreams, etc. HOWEVER, they never seem to stop and think that when they are married, it’s NOT all about THEM. It’s about you, but it’s about you as one half of a partnership, that should be viewed as a LIFELONG partnership. I will stop hogging and go blogging now lol.
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Some good points here . i don’t know how relevent they are here , they may have been issues of infidelity who knows ..Fidlelity certainly makes to the top of my happy list . It is also widely argued that what gives children their security is having two parents who love each other not two parents . i think the magic formula is having people raise you who love themselves first and you second ..putting your kids first is not the answer . Naturally all good relationships start with a real sense of committment anda set of spiritual tools to see you through what is essentially a vocation not just a union.
The bible says its better to live in the corner of a house than dwell with a contentious wife …i suppose this works both ways ?
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Jonathan,
Your email address didn’t work, so I am responding here:
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Thanks for your comments . . .
I believe that love is an action, not a feeling, so there is no reason that two adults who have produced children together cannot live together with love, despite their feelings. Feelings come and go, but love, true love, love that is action (I Corinthians 13 describes it well) is forever.
People always say, “Well, better that kids shouldn’t grow up with parents who fight and hate each other . . . ” but the point is that parents are responsible to live their lives in such a way that they aren’t fighting and hating each other. They get to CHOOSE their behavior and it’s inexcusable that they should rip up a family because they are too immature and selfish to behave with love toward the person they vowed to love forever.
At least that’s how I see it.
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