Anonymous comments on my post titled, “My Dad is Black,”“Anonymous here. I think that honestly discussing race, and acknowledging differences in skin color, in opportunity, in background, in history, would allow us as a society to at least partially do away with the negative connotations those words carry. I ask you what is wrong with calling someone black? What feeling does that give you inside, why do you feel bad about it? I don’t feel bad saying that someone is black — why should I? Should I feel bad when I say that my daughter has green eyes? Should I feel bad when I say I am 5 feet tall? Why should facts like this make us ashamed? I think when we are able to talk about race as a society, we will be halfway to it not mattering.”
I post these questions here because contrary to popular opinion, I don’t have all the answers. I do know, though, that it was jarring to hear a little child who still says “yike” instead of “like” declare, “My dad is black.” And then the next day, I wondered why his dad thought that was racist and felt so offended.
Could it be that he does not consider himself “black,” but rather African? I don’t know. I can’t speak for him.
Your daughter has green eyes. That is a physical description.
You are five feet tall. That’s also a physical description.
“He is black” is not a description. It’s a label. Consider that a description would be more along the lines of “He has chocolate brown skin.”
Anonymous says, “I think that honestly discussing race, and acknowledging differences in skin color, in opportunity, in background, in history, would allow us as a society to at least partially do away with the negative connotations those words carry.” And while this is true, I don’t think that giving a three-year old a racial label for his father is helpful. Furthermore, I think it’s confusing for a three-year old who knows his colors and can see with his own big brown eyes that his dad is brown.
But what do I know?
Actual Unretouched Photo 
“He is black” is not a description.
Saying someone is black can also be a physical description. It’s no different, in my mind, than saying someone has chocolate brown skin.
Of course, context would play a part. Intonation would play a part. Intent would play a part.
But then again, what do I know?
Suzanne
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I’m kind of with Anon in that it’s not what the child said, it’s the reaction that counts. Your reaction and the father’s reaction said one thing to this child, ‘Black is not good.’ And now the child, who probably was just describing skin color, knows there is something more to ‘black.’
What if the child said ‘My dad is gay’ or ‘My dad is Catholic’? ‘Black’ is more of a physical description than either of those two things yet would the declaration of sexuality or religion have upset you as much?Was the mom as upset at being white? Were you as upset about the child declaring the mom white?
If the answer is no then I’d say you’re suffering from white guilt and the dad is a racist.
Can blacks be racist against other blacks? You bet. Does white guilt hurt race relations? Yes it does. Should these things be discussed. They should.
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I thought I already left a comment on this one. I wonder if I typed my word verification wrong…
Well, my comment was about how this is a hard topic to write about because tones of voices can really change the meanings of pretty harmless words. I consider skin colors harmless words when they are used matter-of-factly.
When my comment didn’t show up, and I thought about it more I realized that just because they are harmless to me, doesn’t mean they are harmless. People bring such a wide variety of experiences to this type of discussion. The boy’s dad being offended is evidence of that.
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My little boy is half Hispanic, half Caucasian. He has honey brown skin. He has had several other children at school tell him he is black. He told me himself at one point that he was black. What did he mean? What did they mean? One little boy said he couldn’t play with him because he was black. My ex used to listen to black musicians, read books by black writers, because he identified with that culture more than his own. Black is never really a skin color. It’s a label, for good or ill. I’m not white–I’m sort of olivey pink. And I find myself stumbling when I call myself white, because it seems to separate me from my child, who is not white, but who has my eyes and my smile and my temperament. I resist those labels. I don’t have anything more intellectual to say about it, other than, yes, it’s tricky to discuss.
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Mel, mad props to you for even posting about this (Translation: I’m greatly impressed that you posted about this situation.)
Unfortunately, the situation appears to have been blown completely out of proportion by all involved, as Elizabeth and Anon alluded to:
“…it’s not what the child said, it’s the reaction that counts.”
From the kid’s perspective, saying “My daddy is Black.” is no different from my own daughter saying “My daddy is a Chicago Bear Fan.” The only difference between those two statements is that no one is gonna say, “Oh nooo!!! But your mother is a Packer fan!! What will the Viking fans next door think?” And I would never take offense to being a Bear fan because, well… that’s what I am.
See… the child should not be the focal point of this discussion. The problem is ours… the child just inherits it from us when we react as if the poor kid said that daddy’s a gigolo, or race supremacist, or jackass, or *insert negative word here*.
The kid called his dad black. Ooooohhh? scary. Big deal. I could be way off base here, but I think we?ll survive this. The dad, for reasons unknown, is oversensitive. I?ll speculate that it is possibly due to some internal matter involving his ex that has NOTHING to do with him being black, but manifested itself in this racial nonsense.
Though I believe that this situation is ?much ado over nothing?, I’m glad to see a discussion like this. While I understand that it’s an uncomfortable topic at times, race relations will not be improved by everyone ignoring the 2-ton elephant in the room.
Everyone has their own beliefs, misconceptions, stereotypes, etc… If no one talks about these things, then these beliefs are not challenged as they should be. If these beliefs are not challenged, we won’t be able to learn from, and about each other, and as a culture, we’ll continue the sad process of pointing out our differences instead of embracing them.
Simply put, no conversation, no understanding. No understanding, no growth. If we have no growth, we’ll have more innocent situations blown out of proportion, like the one described by Mel.
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ISn’t it crazy how hard it is to even have this discussion? Those color words are certainly loaded differently than eye color or height. This reminds me of the recent comments by some Air Force football coach. He basically said that the AF needed to recruit more “Afro-American” players because they’re faster. He later apologized but for what? Maybe that’s a physiological distinction among black people. Also it’s so hard to figure out what words to use to describe people when you are not that “KIND” of person. What do “THEY” prefer to be called. I hestitate all the time because I am not “THEM” and don’t want to offend “THEM” so I choose words carefully. And just writing this I obviously see so much separation between all of us people. So crippling.
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If someone had a French accent, and a young child noticed it and said “Dad is French”, wouldn’t the caretaker be a bit weird if demanded, “who told you that?” A positive reaction would be to smile and say, yes, Dad is French. You’re half French too, but you didn’t grow up in France so you’re don’t the accent. Substitute the word black for French, and culture for France, and the same lesson would apply.
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Mel, I agree with you in that in our society we have used skin color as a label. None of us are truly the color white or black. We are pinkish, brownish, tanish, and a combination of many hues. It always bothers me when someone is describing another person and they say “a black man/woman.” We don’t do that when describing “white” people. Part of this descriptor might be because I have lived in places where there, unfortunately, aren’t that many different ethnicities, so it is easier to use labels. I make a conscious effort not to describe people using them. I watched a fabulous documentary on racism called “The Color of Fear.” I don’t know where you could get a hold of it but it is definitely worth watching.
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On the one hand, saying that my father is black is equivalent to saying that my mother is white. It would seem that “black” doesn’t have to be a label any more than green eyes. “Green eyes” is not a description per se although “emerald green eyes” would be. If I ever have grandchildren, they will say that their father is French. It will be fact and non-pejorative.
The problem is that history and usuage have tended to make black pejorative and, therefore, terribly confusing. So, it means different things to different speakers and different things to different listeners. Makes me glad that I just have to contend with French and English because just reading these blogs and comments and trying to formulate own pithy thoughts makes my head hurt.
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In the end, words only have the power you assign them. Several have written here that black is a label, and I maintain that’s the case only if you assign a meaning to it. I think those that feel bad using the word, assign a negative meaning to it, otherwise, why the discomfort? I believe that in this country, the term was first popularized as a term of defiance by the black power movement, and, in my experience, it is still used by black people to describe themselves today. It’s similar to gay people embracing the term queer, taking it back and owning the word rather than being controlled by it. It’s all about the meaning you assign, and I assume that by feeling “sad” that this little boy said his father was black, you assign a negative meaning to the term. I’m repeating myself now.
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