Some days, I look at my boys sitting on the couch, caressing their Gameboys, and I wish we didn’t live in a fortress. I wish I could shoo them out the door so they could ride their bikes until dusk. I wish they could stroll down the street to the marsh preserve and wind their way through the swampy ground, searching for pollywogs in the ditches.
But I know for a fact that a sex offender lives on our street. And I’ve seen news footage of children snatched from their front yards. I know all about Amber alerts and bad guys who prey upon children.
We don’t even let our children play in our own front yard. I know we’re not alone, either. I think as times have changed (or as our perception of the world has changed), Americans have begun to hunker down inside the safety of their homes. Instead of children playing a pickup game of basketball in the park, every house has its own basketball hoop. If I look out my back window, I see trampolines in two different yards and a big wooden play structure in another. Each home has created its own little playground for its smaller inhabitants.
We no longer play communally in our neighborhoods. Oh, sure, the children will play at each other’s homes, but they do not run and holler in the streets like we used to when we play kick the can with all the neighborhood children.
At the risk of sounding like an old fogey, I recall back in the day (in the 70s, when we called low-rise pants “hip-huggers” and thongs were what we wore on our feet) that the setting of my childhood was not just my house and my back yard, but my entire neighborhood. We lived in a planned development full of cul-de-sacs and looping roads. If you drove past the “Whispering Firs” sign, you’d cross a small creek before going up a hill and meander through a street full of split-levels and ramblers. Our house was a small rambler on the corner of a cul-de-sac.
We moved into our house when I was five and I stayed there until I was twelve. In those seven years, I had the freedom to go as far as my feet would take me within the boundary of our neighborhood. I’d wander past the houses to the undeveloped fields and forests beyond. We’d play in the waist-high grasses, trampling down areas we’d pretend were houses. Other times, we’d go down to the creek where the mud would suck at our sneakers and oftentimes, we’d go home soggy. I greeted each dog in the neighborhood as I circled my block alone. I rode my bike in endless loops around and around the block.
That would never happen these days. It’s really no wonder American kids don’t get the recommended exercise. We don’t allow them to walk far enough to raise their pulses. I used to ride my bike with its banana seat a few miles down the road to buy candy at the gas station. I never wore a helmet.
The American preoccupation with keeping our kids safe seems to contribute to the plethora of organized sports and the craziness of rushing here and there with a vanful of kids. In my day, our mothers didn’t take us anywhere. We didn’t even have a second car. We stayed home and ran the neighborhood and raced our bikes around the block and tried to keep from falling into the creek. On rainy days, we played Barbies and Monopoly and yelled until our mothers held their aching foreheads.
I wonder if homes aren’t getting bigger and bigger because our world has become smaller and smaller. Families used to live in smaller spaces, but inhabit larger outdoor spaces. New houses now have bonus rooms and great rooms and a bathroom for every person. Instead of sending kids outside to play, they’re inside all the time–unless they’re in the family van, heading for activities. Or they play in their private custom-built backyard play structures and jump on their trampolines. (Except for my poor kids who have only a ramshackle backyard full of overgrown laurel hedges and ivy-covered fences. Fortunately, my boys need only sticks and stones and dirt to be happy and they find the laurel hedges to be a perfect climbing place.)
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like I’ve barricaded my family behind some kind of invisible barbed wire fence. I wish our kids could climb trees and meander to the school playground alone and explore the woods. But we just can’t take the chance.
All we need is a moat and our fortress will be complete. I just hope it comes with pollywogs.
Actual Unretouched Photo 
This trend disturbs me too. My daughter’s too young to play out on her own in any case, but I wish she could have that kind of freedom when she’s older. It’s one reason we’re considering moving to Canada, where the attitude seems slightly less fortress-like.
Do you think things are more dangerous now, or is there just a higher perception of danger? After all, there must have been sex offenders back when we were kids. They just weren’t tracked the same way.
Also, back in the 70’s when we were both wandering around our neighborhoods, so were lots of other kids, and we could keep an eye on each other. Isolation breeds more isolation– I would never let my kid play out if she were the only one.
Yikes, I’ve hijacked your post! Sorry.
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Again, I bestow on you the honor of the 5 Wows.
The mom’s in my neighborhood haven’t gotten the memo about fortressing. The parking lot I live on will be filled this week with kids on spring break.
Friday, they put a piece of plywood on the church steps, and then rode roller blades and skate boards down the plywood and sailed across the parking lot and onto a ramp. They would then crash into the huge pile of melting snow.
I read my zipcode’s list of sex offenders on a monthly basis. Several live close by. Sadly, I saw the name of the husband of someone I know.
And, even if you are extremely careful, only allowing your children to go to the nicest of families, you never know who else THAT family will be having over.
Pray fervently, but only close one eye.
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There is that, perhaps more so in some places than others and perhaps more now than when we were raising kids. Sometimes now, it seems difficult to kick kids outdoors, though. Sit in the house, play at Play Station, watch TV, whatever. There’s been a fundamental change, and I’m not sure if it’s universally due to the safety factor. If your kids were to go out front, who would they find? Maybe that’s part of it. Who knows? Another great blog anyhow. You are the queen blogger of this circle.
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“I wonder if homes aren’t getting bigger and bigger because our world has become smaller and smaller.”
You are a very gifted and insightful writer, mel. The blogworld is lucky to have your presence. but i think i’m gonna give you some ideas on how to get paid — this really couyld have been published!!
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My husband and I grew up North of the swelter line which I believe goes from Dallas all the way to Atlanta. In Houston, it is so Stinkin’ hot that no one wants to go outside! We have church camp in East Texas and I’m convinced that they do it in July so we can tell the kids this is a preview of hell. Weather aside, the same concerns plague me as well. I think that God has a great sense of humor to give me, the already anxious one, the responsiblity for 3 young children. With my oldest on the precipice of adolescence I’m thinking of hiring a body guard.
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We have two police officers who live on our small street. Even so, I rarely see all the kids (including theirs) playing outside, and it breaks my heart. I would like to think our future children would be safe here, that they will be able to run around in our yard and the cul-de-sac but still I worry. There are seven level two sex offenders in our two, and two level three offenders maybe fifteen minutes from here in the next town over.
I’ve also noticed the police officers never let their children wait for the bus (at the end of our street) unattended by one or the other parent. I figure they probably know better than I what the risks are. It’s very sad. I wish my kids could grow up with the freedom we had, and I worry about what the long term impact will be?
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Wow! Such insightful thoughts which I’d never considered before. Having a 25-year-old daughter I am a bit out of touch with what it’s like to have little ones today–it saddens me to hear it has come to this. Yet when my daughter was young, things were beginning to get scarey like that, and I saw how a friend of mine taught her children to distrust and fear just about everyone. I didn’t want that for my daughter, so I tried, instead, to use wisdom and to teach my daughter wisdom. I did not want her growing up afraid–and she didn’t. She is braver than I will ever be and I am proud of her. I found that balance and wisdom were the keys. Anyway, thanks for writing such an insightful piece! …God bless… Debra
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I wrote about exactly this on my weblog Saturday night. I was bemoaning the fact that my son can’t go to the nearest water hole to fish like boys of yore.
But I must say that I still live in one of those old fashioned neighborhoods where the kids still run from house to house and play hockey in the street and eat lunch at wherever they happen to be at lunch time. All the moms supervise everyones kids. I like that but sometimes it’s nto all it’s cracked up to be. Sometimes my kids get left out of games and such and have their feelings hurt. I know it’s all part of growing up but I still dont like it!
Yes, times ae different now and soemhow I’m having a hard time adjusting.
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Are we supposed to adjust or change it? I don’t know just asking the question….and to feel the weight of these issues, we need to wonder more and conclude less….
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Hi! That’s all partly why we moved from the suburbs of Boston to a little itty bitty town in Wyoming.
I know that no place is totally safe. But raising my kids here sure feels a lot better.
There’s some land across the street, want to join us?
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I live in the Pacific NW, too. We are out in the sticks and feel safe with the kiddos outdoors. Come for tea and playtime? I am enjoying your writing!
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Hi Mel,
nope, it’s not just you, I assure you. With 7 children, 6 of them girls, I can certainly identify with every word you wrote.
Three years ago we moved from the city, to a rented farmhouse, smack in the center of 100 acres of cornfields. It was truly a blessing of God, in more ways than I can explain here.
It’s literally a rock and a hard place for most families. While somedays I wish the kids could walk to their friend’s houses, or rollerblade in the park, but when we did live in the city we couldn’t let them do that anyway.
We do have a big swingset, and in the summer we have a pool up and a badminton court. They have the joy of being able to be kids, to run, jump, climb trees, swing, dive, play in the cornfields… without the fear of being watched, stalked, or targetted by yet another “real nice neighbor” the media consistantly reports on, after another child goes missing.
This is a HUGE issue with me, and I don’t mean to take up so much of your post here, but just know this, one mother to another, it’s a valid concern we share.
We did dig a pond… I’ll send you some pollywogs. š
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This is totally true. I have a 2 year old, and even though he can’t play alone yet, he more than likely never will. I remember when I was younger my group of friends would get together and we would ride our bikes about 5-10 miles to downtown Summerville and go to the drugstore and various other places and just hang out. My mom didn’t know where we were, nor did she care. I was in band in high school, and girlscouts when I was little, but my mom wasn’t running me here and there all the time. It won’t be that way at all for my son and daughter (to be). Having worked at DJJ, and having my students tell me a lot of stuff I wish I never knew, I will never trust to let them out of my sight. Sex offenders scare me, but nowhere near as much as the other criminal offenders that are out and about, and most are young. I want to find a babysitter for my child, but I really have not built up the ability to trust anyone that much quite yet. So it’s just family for now! I wish my kids could have the same life that I did, in those aspects at least, but that will never happen. Even now when we go to the playground, if TJ gets out of my sight for one second, I panic. I’m not really the fearful always panicking type, but when it comes to my kids being hurt in any way, I’m a total freak!
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I tend to think that the criminals were always there — it is just now we hear about them a lot more — and are much more aware.
When I was 13, hiking the neighbhorhood — in between my best friend’s house and mine — we were approached several times by an old guy wanting to get us into modeling. I refused to go near the car. I backed up and my friend ran willingly to the car.
I think the guy sensed I was on to him and backed off — though he approached my friend twice before leaving us alone. The second time, I demanded she yell to him and not approach him. Thankfully, she listened!!
Teach your children the tools they need so they can go out in the world and recognize danger. One day they will need to make a go of it in the world and you don’t want them to be too niave.
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This is a great entry…I don’t really know what to say more than that. You already said it…
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i actually have a unique situation, my family lives in the house I grew up in. But do I let my boys do the things we did? no.
I too rode my bike to the local store to buy candy, or ab ottled drink, but there is no way I will ever let my boys do that. I don’t let the younger ones ride their bikespast our mail box without at least two brothers with them, and one of them has to be older than 12. It’s sad, but it’s how the world is today.
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Not only was it fun for the kids back-in-the-day, but our moms got a break too! Now, I have my kids all the time, and sometimes it feels like I’m a security guard–always on duty. Even at the park, I don’t really relax, and that is a shame. š¦
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You are so right! I remember walking home from the bus stop every day without a worry. It was only when i turned 9 and there was a shocking kidnapping in SF (a boy picked up right in front of his school) that i started to have fear. I thought, at least when i get older i won’t be afraid anymore. Not so. Now I must fear for my kids. We do not have a fenced yard and I have to watch my kids constantly when outside. That alone wears me out. Terrific post! I agree, you should be published.
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