Big Sigh

I thought I might attempt to explain my pastor’s wife funk. But even without details, the story was too complicated and boring.

So, instead, let’s review the Life of the Pastor’s Wife, shall we?

Your local Pastor’s Wife is in an odd position. Some church women tend to view her as some superwoman who reads her Bible half the day and prays the other half. They would be flabbergasted to think that the pastor’s wife might be a human being who has a sarcastic wit and a dry sense of humor.

Then, there are those who don’t want to “bother” the Pastor’s Wife. After all, she must be very busy.

Some think that the Pastor’s Wife knows the same information as the pastor, simply by virtue of being married to him. This includes theological matters, business matters, and events.

And let’s not leave out those who dislike the Pastor’s Wife because she hasn’t learned their first names and she doesn’t smile and shake their hands every Sunday morning. They say, “The Pastor’s Wife is so stand-offish.”

Finally, how about those who study the Pastor’s Wife’s clothing and hair style and make sure to comment if they’ve noticed that she’s lost weight or stopped coloring her hair. Which leads the Pastor’s Wife to wonder, “Did they think I was fat before? Has everyone been staring at my hair?”

Oh wait. One more thing. Everyone knows exactly how much the pastor earns in our church. The Pastor’s Wife shops at garage sales, accepts hand-me-downs and doesn’t know how much the other husbands earn, although she does occasionally sit in a church family’s home and jealously look out their windows at the waterfront view and she can imagine that they are earning at least twice, more likely quadruple the salary her husband (who has a Master’s degree) earns.

And then, there is the whole issue of the Pastor’s Children. They mustn’t come to church messy and they must not put each other in headlocks during the service. (Yeah, right.) One of my sons once remarked that he hated Sunday School. I said, “Why?” And said, “All they talk about is Jesus . . . and Jesus is no fun!”

Sigh. Well, as your on-line Pastor’s Wife, let me just say a few things I would never dare say out loud in my real life.

I am not privy to things you tell my husband. He doesn’t tell me much about the day-to-day operations of the church. He never repeats confidential conversations to me. He often forgets to inform me about matters of some importance, as a matter of fact! So, don’t call me to ask how long a meeting will last. I might say, “What meeting?”

I hate that we have to struggle financially while so many in our congregation live so well. If this is God’s grand plan to teach me humility and contentment, Okay! I learned it! Can we move on? I’d like to actually go on a vacation with my family for once. But we can’t afford it, like we can’t afford a car newer than the 1993 Mercury Sable we drive.

I wish that there was someone who would befriend me. Who would stand beside me (and my husband) and be loyal and steadfast and true and encouraging. I wish someone would be “grandparents” to my boys. I wish I had someone local to call at 4 p.m. while I’m peeling potatoes. I wish I didn’t have to watch myself, to catch myself, to censor myself, to edit myself. I wish someone would “click” with me. I wish someone would take the time to try to know me.

If only I didn’t find out sooner or later that the women I love the most in the congregation will turn their backs on me because of theological issues or church government issues or some weird situation that I had no part in. I’ve grown suspicious of people in my church community, which breaks my heart and makes me cry in the dark. I feel alone.

Normally, your church is meant to be a supportive place, a community of caring and spiritual encouragement. And it is. Unless you’re the Pastor’s Wife.