Guest Blogger: My Mother

Yesterday was rather exciting.  I realized that I would make an excellent EMT!  Also, my 6-year old is handy in case of an emergency.  Here, in the words of my mother (who turns 66 years old today):

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In the New Testament, it says the older women are to teach the younger women.  (Titus 2:4)  But my words of wisdom can be of benefit to guys, too.

Okay then; here’s the scoop:  When you are about to turn 66, don’t – and I repeat – DON’T sit on your walker (with 4 wheels) at the top of your very steep driveway with long pruning sheers in your hand, and proceed to roll backwards, down the very steep driveway!

BUT, if you do decide to do this, holler this prayer:  “Oh God help me.”  (That’s the most important thing to remember……….)

When God helps you, it might be by turning the 4 wheels off the driveway, into the one remaining bush prior to the metal mailbox, the road, and the steep drop-off on the other side!  When you feel the very strong, sharp branch puncturing your skull; you throw the (very dangerous thing to do, by the way) pruning sheers over your head and find your 4-wheeled walker bent, and gone; your bottom is on the ground, deeply embedded in the bush, you’ll know you were kept from a more serious fall, perhaps, and your “fling” at having a birthday celebration of a special kind will be ended.

I’m sure most of us could think of some more merry way to do the celebratory thing in advance of the big birthday day!  However, since this is how I did it, I can now offer further words of wisdom – pointers, perhaps; guidelines so you’ll be prepared…………….

1.  Don’t be alone when you decide to do this stunt!  (You’ll probably need some help.)  However, you might not want the other person to be your six-year old child or grandchild.  Seeing you in this position in the bush, with blood causing your hair to streak red, may not be the best bed-time memory your child or grandchild needs.

2.  You ought to have at least one person’s phone number memorized.  You ought, also, to know where your cordless phone might have been left, so you can send the other person to retrieve the phone.  Having the phone underneath a stack of papers where only you will remember to look for it, doesn’t count.

3.  Wear a coat before starting this venture.  (Adventure, really!)  This will help retain some body heat as you lie, shaking, on the wet, cold, hard ground/bush.

4.  Live where you have neighbors who might be able to see you, or hear your screams for help.

5.  When someone comes to help you up and out of your bush, if they ask “do you want the ER or critical care clinic”, let them take you to one or the other – even though you wanted to just go back inside the house.   Perhaps their view of your bloodied head is better than how you view your situation.

6.  After three hours wait and a shot in each arm; when the doctor is finishing putting 2 shots and 10 staples in your head and tells you red streaks in your hair are very fashionable, thank him.  He then will thank you for having such a good attitude.

7.  Look in the mirror – often!  P.S.  You will look SO CUTE with a one-inch wide band of white around your head, putting pressure on the golf-sized ball of matted red hair, staples, and swelling.

8.  Later, when you are taking the antibiotics (so you won’t get infected from the bush) and the pain medicine for the huge headache you might be having, be sure to return to the place of impact so you can say, “Thank you, God, for helping me.”

Those are my pointers.  Hopefully, you won’t need them.

Find a much simpler way to celebrate when it is your birthday.  Find a noise maker.  Eat a cupcake, or two.  Fill the moments with memorable events.

Remember this – “it is appointed unto man (woman) once…” a year, to have a birthday.  So, when it’s your day, celebrate in a real special way!

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Thanks, Mom!  Glad you’re all right!