I find panty-lines reassuring. Don’t you? I prefer not to think of people being naked under their clothes. And don’t get me started on thongs. Thongs sticking up from waistbands are not reassuring, either. How can you not visualize what’s happening below the belt-line? And, really, do I want to visualize that? No. I do not.
Do you know why God gave you lips? To keep your fork from clacking on your teeth. To keep the smacking sounds from escaping from your mouth while you chew. To keep the food from falling out. Please, use the lips God gave you. No more clicking and clacking silverware on teeth. I’m begging you.
Why do children come in and go out and come in and go out and come in and go out more often when the temperature is only 45 degrees?
Do my teenagers think the Sock Fairy will retrieve all those balled up socks from the corners of their room?
Why does pumpkin pie have to be laden with so many calories?
I admit to feeling judgmental when I hear about babies who need helmets to reshape their heads. Did their mothers ever pick them up? (Oh, I know . . . this is uncouth of me to say, but don’t you all wonder the same thing?) *See below*
Whenever I see a teenage boy clutching his oversized pants to keep them from falling down as he waddles down the street, I always remark to the children in my car, “Doesn’t that boy look ridiculous? He can’t even walk straight!” I want to say to the sagging-pants boy: “Hey, your pants are falling down!”
Marc Anthony, the husband of Jennifer Lopez, is so unattractive. Maybe it’s just me, but I do not see his redeeming qualities.
If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t worry so much. So many things just work out if given enough time.
I have a cordless phone on my desk. So, why do I shout, “BOY, I WISH I HAD A PHONE!” almost every day when it rings? That’s right . . . my boys use my phone and fail to return it. My subtle remark fails to spur them to action. Yet, I continue to yell because it amuses me on some sick level.
One year, the night before Thanksgiving, I peeled all the potatoes to save myself time the next day. At 11:30 p.m., I finished up my pie-baking, washed dishes, shoved potato peels into the garbage disposal and clogged my kitchen sink. The next day, I couldn’t use my sink at all and had to wash all dishes in the utility room. I felt like such a pioneer woman. Ever since, I keep Thanksgiving-themed paper products on hand. (The day after Thanksgiving, I dumped chemicals down the sink and dissolved the clog.)
My 5-year old daughter hates to wear shoes, even though she loves to buy shoes. All week long she’s been playing in the 45-degree back yard wearing her pajamas only. Except for the afternoon when she wore a purple fleece jacket and her underpants. Underpants are good, although I wish she’d wear something over her underpants.
So, to sum up:
1) Please wear underpants.
2) Please wear something over your underpants.
These are my rules for sane living.
* * *
What Is Positional Plagiocephaly? Brain Damage dvd
Actual Unretouched Photo 
Plagiocephaly is *not* caused by leaving a baby lying in its crib. Have some consideration for parents whose children are affected and might be upset by what you have written.
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I TOTALLY agree about JLo’s husband….yuck with a capital Y!
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randomosity is good. i’m sitting here avoiding all of my pre-Thanksgiving chores. ignoring the sounds of fighting children (they’re home on ‘fall break’). pretending that there isn’t a large mound of laundry awaiting and dirty toilets to be scrubbed. thanks for the entertainment. đŸ™‚
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Thanks, Mel! I just spurted hot coffee through my nose. Several times.
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Good randomosity and very needed on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving!
About the head shape issue…I figure it has something to do with the whole “back to sleep” thing. That and babies who spend their days in daycare probably don’t get picked up and carried around quite as much.
I was a rebel against the back-sleeping thing, but that’s a long story…I’ll put it in my “to be blogged about someday” file. đŸ™‚
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LOL at your Marc Anthony comment! That was so random, right there in the middle of this post. You’re funny =)
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Awesome post! I’m laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes! I am right with you all the way down the line. [:-)
Rachel in Idaho
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Those are good rules. I can live with them.
I once read something a doctor wrote, describing thongs as “racetracks for bacteria.”
Marc Anthony might very well be a vampire.
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Should I wear underpants today as I’m peeling my pounds and pounds of potatoes for 32 people? Or maybe I could wear a thong and those baggy, baggy pants the young boys wear. Could you see me at the sink picking out the floss and pulling up my pants all in one fluid motion? It would be a thing of beauty.
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ALL of my babies slept on their tummies and none of them died! Oh, and none of them needed a helmet either. Marc Anthony is a dog. I like thongs…sorry.
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I agree with everything! Except I don’t get the connection between babies who have to wear helmets and not picking them up. Please explain. The children I’ve known who needed head-reshaping have been loved and carried and held.
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Can I also add how weird it is that women always so easily offended and can cause a row over anything!
Thanks for making me laugh today, as my house is in total shambles and I’m SO not ready for the holidays.
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I know you are getting flack the baby helmet comment, but I have to put my 2 cents in. My son never wore a helmet, but because of the tight quarters of carrying twins he ended up with torticolis. It is a condition where the muscles on the one side of the neck are weaker, mainly because they are in the same position for a long time. Some babies diagnosed with torticolis end up wearing a helmet, because their head may not be shaped correctly from the whole escapade in utero.
So that was my 2 cents.
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I’m not very tall and because of the way I carried my older daughter her head had a funny shape but we never had to go the helmet route thankfully.
Otherwise I agree with you wholeheartedly. . . .
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don’t know how you did it, but you crammed A LOT of grossness into one post: thongs, Marc Anthony and teenage boy with falling pants…
I commend you.
And if no one else says it, Mel, I am thankful for your humor. It eases many of my moments, when I sit at my desk, white-knuckling the keyboard, thinking I am all alone in this marathon called Motherhood.
Gobble, Gobble.
Suzanne
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And when did it become socially acceptable to wear one’s pajamas out in public? I mean aren’t those lacy underthings meant to be worn, you know, under things. And pajama bottoms are for wearing in the privacy of your own home.
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Well..wow never even thought about babies and helmets. Can’t believe your getting flack over facts…but whatever. People will probably be appalled about the fact that Marc Anthony is simply ugly and that baggy pants are unattractive. I am offended by people who wear them and for girls that feel the need to show me their butt floss. I am forever training my husband to not rake his beautiful teeth across his fork. My ears and skin tremble at the thought.
Great random post Mel!
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JLo’s husband looks untrustworthy to me.
Happy Thanksgiving!
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I use to look at babies that had plagiocephaly and think the same thing. I guess I needed to be humbled a bit because my third child had this problem and fortunately his head turned out fine without a helmet. My doctor told me there is an increase in this problem and it is primarily due to the “Back to Sleep” program of putting babies on their backs to sleep rather than on their stomachs. My older two I put on their backs too but did not have this problem. I just had a baby almost five months ago and now know that when she is sleeping to turn her head. I am obsessive about this. When I get up at night or when she is napping I go over and move her head. She does tend to favor one side so I try and put her to the left or right or facing up at various points. It is worth it though because the incidence of SIDS has decreased dramatically since mothers started to put their babies to sleep on their backs. There is no lack of picking up the children in my family. In fact with this last baby, I have had to tell the children to put her down already or she will never learn to roll around or crawl. Love your blog by the way!:) Just some facts. It never hurts to learn something new. Marc Anthony is really ugly by the way but I love his music.:)
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I always wish for the Spoon Fairy to come and rescue all my spoons. I am not having a crowded house for Thanksgiving–only my family of four and then three additional people. But can I find seven spoons? I cannot. There is ONE spoon in the drawer, and none in the dishwasher waiting for cleansing.
This means I have to go and scour the children’s rooms. We will overlook the fact that they are Absolutely Forbidden to have food in their rooms, so why would they possibly have spoons there?
NO. I revolt. This means THEY have to go and scour their rooms. I want a holiday to sit and read and knit and drink coffee, darn it.
D’you think plastic spoons will look too out of place with the silverware though? Honestly?
Happy Thanksgiving, Mel. Have a thongless, underwear-wearing, overclothes-topping day.
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I never stopped to think about panty lines! I’m LDS and wear garments, which are loose and long. In the winter, I wear ankle length ones, voila, no panty lines. I hate to think that some people think I’m not wearing any underwear – or, Heaven forbid – a thong!
I think J Lo’s husband is scary. I can’t for the life of me see what she sees in him. Ugh
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Ooooohhh! I get it! I hadn’t heard of that before. Yikes–poor babies!
I found one of our spoons, old and crusty, in one of Katie’s many drawers of writing utensils. It is clearly time for a good cleaning, especially since Baby Ben is old enough to open said drawers and cram sharp writing utensils in his mouth.
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If you had a compost bin, the potato peelings could go there instead of your garbage disposal. I feel for you, though; Thanksgiving dishes took three dishwasher loads for us. Doing it all in the utility room would’ve been torture.
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