Sunshine.
Cigarette smoke.
Clouds like cotton candy.
Dizzy pass ride bracelets.
Rides.
Funnel cake.
Elephant ear.
Caramel apple rolled in tiny M&Ms.
Crowds.
Babies.
Tattoos.
Fat women in spandex.
Adolescent girls with low slung pants and bare bellies.
Carnival games.
Cheap toys.
Cotton candy.
Ice cream.
Droning noise.
Screams.
Aching feet.
Sticky fingers.
Chapped lips.
Strollers as big as ice cream trucks.
Waiting in line.
And waiting.
Stuffed purple dragon.
Stuffed ducky.
Empty pockets.
Silence of the car.
Home again.

Although a commenter suggested I need a margarita, I believe I had something even better today. Today, I had a lot of laughs, unexpected laughs, at the baby shower I attended. Who wouldn’t laugh at the military wife mimicking her Ranger husband’s terror during her impending birth? Oh my. Funny, funny women!

And tomorrow I’m taking my boys to the fair, where we will ride the scary rides, eat junk food, waste our money on carnival games and avoid all agricultural displays. Alas, the boys don’t care about how perfectly the 4-H clubs can arrange produce, nor do they want to watch a wool-spinning demonstration or marvel at the tall horses.

Babygirl will stay home with my husband for her third day in a row. She’s too young to remember and she would be overwhelmed by the sights and sounds and smells of the fair.

So, if you don’t hear from me, you’ll know I joined the carnival. Or I’m stuck on the very tippy-top of a ride. Or I’ve taken the commenter’s suggestion and I’m completely intoxicated on margaritas, too intoxicated to write.

I will not name names.
I will not name names.
I will not name names.

But some people just don’t understand PMS. Some people in my house, I mean. Not that I would name names.

The unnamed person said, “I can always tell when you have PMS because you yell a lot more.”

And I said, “Yes, I am very crabby and that’s because it’s Day 28 in my cycle and I should be sent away on this day, left alone, not bugged on this day.” (Add this to the fact that my baby woke up extremely early this morning. I stumbled from place to place, curling up, attempting to sleep again this morning, after that rude awakening–I crashed in my bed, the couch, the recliner, my son’s bed, the gliding rocker–while she played or watched television, but it was no use. I didn’t get any more sleep.)

And the one who shall not be named said, “But we have to live with you. And you are the only one who can control your own behavior.”

It’s hopeless, really. For seventeen years, I’ve lived with, oh, well, someone who shall not be named, and yet, even after all this time, all this predictable, cyclical time, this anonymous one does not understand.

I’d like to see how men would handle their daily lives if they woke up at 6:16 a.m. on a Saturday on the crabbiest day of their month and then had to change a smelly diaper, clean up a disgusting mess (kitty poop), launder dirty sheets, staighten up a stinky kid’s room and wash dishes from last night (because I left the house for that Bible study) and then had to go to a birthday party–after driving an hour in the rain, in heavy traffic, with a child in the front seat who would not stop asking questions that started, “Mom, what if . . . ?”

Pray tell, how would a guy handle that kind of situation?

I’m waiting.

And waiting.

Oh, yes, I know. They would say, “Hey, I need to go run an errand. I’ll see you later.” Or “I have to go catch up on work. I’ll be gone less than two hours.” Or “Hey, I’m going to lay down and catch the second half of that game, if you don’t mind.”

Women should be sent away, far away from their families on these irritable sorts of days and given vast quantities of chocolate (without calories, of course) and a complete absence of questions. (“Mom, where is my Gameboy?” “Mom, can I have a snack?” “Mom, can we play checkers on the internet?” “Mom, are we getting donuts today?” “Mom, do you think I can have a new video game for Christmas?”)

Personally, I haven’t had a decent “day off” in a few weeks and tomorrow will be no better. In the morning, we have church. After that, lunch and Grace’s nap. Then, at 3:00 p.m., a baby shower for two pregnant church friends. That will be fun, but there goes the last window of time I might have had to get out of this house, alone, without an agenda, for another week.

Maybe it’s just me, but I crave time away from this house, these kids, the neverending laundry. If I don’t have a regular break, or at least the prospect of an impending break, I start to feel trapped, imprisoned, crazed, like I want to cut off my arm like that hiker did to escape his entrapment by a boulder.

The boulder that I push up a hill every day starts to feel heavier and heavier until I am pinned beneath it. That’s how today is.

That’s how PMS feels.

I wish I could explain that to those who shall remain nameless.

And yes, I know, I truly do need a break. And it’s not my husband’s fault, exactly. People have died. People have been married. It’s his job to be there for these things and sometimes, that affects me. I’m just feeling particularly used up at the moment and time will pass and I’ll feel better.

Unless, I run away to reunite with Jean-Claude in Tahiti, the 17 year old boy who thought he loved the 17 year old me. In which case, you can still reach me at my current email address.

It’s 10:58 p.m., Friday night. Today, I took care of two toddlers all day, coaxed my 11 year old twins through their first internet school lesson, did several loads of laundry, made a nutritious dinner (chicken in the crockpot, baked potatoes for them, a baked sweet potato for me), showered Babygirl and sneaked away from the house at 6:45 p.m. I went to our church’s Young Couple’s Bible Study, which amuses me because I am neither young, nor do I attend the group as part of a couple. My husband stays home with the extremely skittish Babygirl who would surely scream until her head actually popped off and then fly around the room like an inflated balloon when you let go without tying it.

During the meeting, my mind drifted. At the other end of the table sat a young military couple. She is seven months pregnant and possibly the most beautiful pregnant woman I’ve ever seen. She’s tall and thin under normal circumstances, blond and fair-skinned and now she has this gorgeous baby-filled belly, exactly like Midge, only my friend has shorter hair. She’s an officer in the military herself, having graduated from West Point, which still surprises me because she is such a soft-spoken, gentle woman.

Her husband is a quiet man, not very tall, but a Ranger in the Stryker Brigade which is going to replace the unit that is currently serving in Mosul, Iraq. Not long ago, I found a blog by a soldier serving in Mosul, and quickly became enamored by his writing. I wasn’t alone, alas, and soon enough the chain of command caught wind of it and effectively shut down his blog, but not before I got a glimpse into life in Mosul for American soldiers. He still writes, but nothing personal, no details, no clues about what’s really happening in Mosul. Still, it’s worth checking out the blog to see the few archived posts that still remain on the site. (Most of them were removed.)

So, I looked down the table tonight and thought that this man would soon be taking the place of CB (the blog-writer) or a soldier exactly like him. I hope the fighting eases soon in Mosul. I hope the entire country of Iraq settles down. In the meantime, while he’s deployed, his first child, a son, will be born.

The meeting ended with a sudden hilarious change of topics in which someone said, “speaking of urination and feces” and I said, “Oh, are we sharing poop stories now?” and the woman next to me said, “Oh, I have one!” and proceded to tell how her now 3-year old, newly potty-trained son, made a deposit in his pants and then–in the midst of our town’s lovely, quaint, old-time soda-fountain restaurant, shook the poop out of his underpants and down his pant-leg and onto the floor. Meanwhile, his mom is feeling his bottom to see if the smell came from him, but felt nothing. A bit later, she glanced down and saw evidence of the smelly deed on the floor of the restaurant.

Really, doesn’t everyone have a poop story? Although perhaps not as dramatic as the story dooce tells, or as funny as marbles of the brown stuff on a restaurant floor, but we all have a story.

Am I right? Or am I right?

Good grief, I need to go to bed. This makes two unsavory posts in a week. My sincere apologies.

My daughter could put John Travolta to shame. She has an innate talent for disco dancing. She bounces, jives, shimmies, raises her arms, one at a time, over her head. Her fingers are pointed and a small smug smile lights up her face. The twins put on music just to watch her dance–it’s actually some kind of contemporary Christian music, rappish in nature, which makes me say “turn that down!” I am such a sorry old fogey. But my daughter–she is a dancing fool!

There are three toddlers sitting on my couch at the moment, eating dry Cheerios. Barney is on the television. I have an extra toddler to watch while her 9-months pregnant mother has a telephone interview for a job. They are feeling the pinch of living on one income and think there is no alternative but for her to work.

Yesterday was busier than usual. My twins worked on a math during the morning and then did a lot of reading. I did not torture them with writing assignments. Only one more week until the curriculum is supposed to arrive.

DaycareKid’s mom called to say her sister would be picking up DaycareKid. We talked about what time it would be and she mentioned that her sister would be a little earlier than usual because she’d pick up her kindergartener and be right over. That’s when I remembered that her kindergartener has been longing for a “playdate” (his word) at my house. I suggested that maybe Auntie could drop her kids off here (kindergartener and 3 year old sister) and run an errand or something until DaycareKid finished his nap. Sure enough, right at 3:30 p.m., she dropped off her two kids, so at that point, I had seven kids at my house.

They left at 5:00 p.m. and in their place came the two neighborhood boys who like to play Nintendo here and watch television since they have no cable at their house–thus, bringing the total number of kids in my house yesterday to nine.

My midwife in Michigan was the mother of nine children. They lived on a dairy farm in Amish country (they weren’t Amish, though) and the five oldest children were girls. She once told me, “I thought I had parenthood all figured out and then I had a son.” Anyway, the first day I met her–I was already in my second trimester–serenity filled her house. She was also pregnant, three months further along than I was, and her rosy cheeks glowed. Straight bangs, a cherubic face and a thick braid hanging down her back made her seem younger than she was.

I only saw one of her children that day, a messy-haired blond girl, but during the course of my pregnancy, during my check-ups, I’d catch a glimpse of her industrious, obedient girls, and I’d hear them at the piano, competently playing classical pieces. Her kitchen always shone with cleanliness and the long solid wood kitchen table gleamed.

She homeschooled all of her children, although her mother-in-law, a former schoolteacher, taught the youngest children. She also said everyone should have a newborn and a teenager in the house at the same time. She grew her own vegetables and a lush flower garden. She sewed and I’m not sure, but I think she spun straw into gold.

Anyway, I’m not that kind of mom, even on days when I have nine children in my house. I did manage a turkey and mashed potato dinner last night (thank you, Crockpot), but other than that, I just tread water, do what has to be done. Moms like the homeschooling farmer’s wife in Michigan make me feel inferior, like I’ve obviously done something wrong along the way.

On the other hand, my daughter is a disco-dancing fool, so I must be doing something right.

This afternoon, Babygirl woke from her nap a little early. So I sat her on my bed with a snack and the television set on Boohbah and ironed a few shirts for my husband. I’m old-fashioned like that.

At one point, I was in the closet, putting away clothes, when Babygirl stepped inside with me and said, “I peed on the floor!” And remembering last week when she did indeed pee on the closet floor, I said, “Yes, you did, didn’t you?” Then she cackled and said, “I pee on daddy’s shoes!” And I said, “Oh no, don’t pee on daddy’s shoes.” And her eyes widened, she crouched, waved her arms dramatically and said, “That would be bad!” She said “baaaaaad” like she was in a music video.

It’s so funny when she says, “I’m tired,” because she drags out the “i” sound and sounds like she’s from the Deep South. She says, “Ah’m tahred.”

Tonight after dinner, we were sitting in our newly arranged living room and Babygirl decided to get off my lap. She turned and made a sudden movement and before I could say “be careful,” she clunked her forehead right into the corner of the coffee table.

She opened her mouth to scream, but the pain was too great, so she just clutched her forehead for a long moment and finally the sound came and then she screamed.

My husband rushed down the stairs to see what happened. There was no blood, just an indentation in her little forehead, which immediately began to swell and bruise.

He looked at me as if I had body-slammed her, forehead first, in into the wooden corner on purpose. He asked, “What happened?” and I said, “She slipped and fell–could you get me some ice in a washcloth?”

He delivered the ice cubes, but before that, Babygirl sat up and said, “I okay.” That didn’t stop my husband from questioning me as if I were Ted Bundy, on death row, accused of a yet another felony. Over and over, I told him how she hit her head before I could stop her. I’m not sure he’s convinced of my innocence.

But I have two words for him: fractured collarbone. When TwinBoyA was three years old, he fell off the couch while my husband was the parent in charge. He couldn’t exactly explain how it happened, but the kid ended up with a fractured collarbone and it wasn’t my fault!

Babygirl will have a big, purple bump on her forehead. And yeah, I wasn’t able to save her. Time for the full-body bubblewrap, including padded helmet for twenty-four hour use.

If my husband keeps looking at me like that, I just might pee in his shoes.

The K12 curriculum will not be arriving for another full week. My kids are revolting against my “learn by writing” made-up busy work. They do not use capital letters. They do not put their words into tidy little paragraphs with related thoughts. They do not have a beginning, a middle and an end. And they can’t spell.

But they are gone now. My husband took them with him on an errand to Costco. Upon hearing the news that they could go with him, they frantically asked if they could have an advance on their allowance. “Does Costco sell laser-tag?” they said.

The house is still. The babies are asleep. I have a giant glass of Diet Coke with Lime. And I have no idea what to cook for dinner. I intended to get a frozen chicken out of the big freezer (yes, nestled right next to the lentils), but the morning got away from me and now I have to be creative. I hope I can find something in that freezer besides old oats. The children tend to hate creative dinners (i.e. anything other than crockpot chicken or roast and potatoes).

Last night, I took all the kids to YoungestBoy’s soccer practice. The practice appeared to be complete bedlam. Everytime I glanced over, I saw the boys milling about, kicking their soccer balls and grabbing each other around the throats. Only six boys participate on each team and they were all crazy with cabin fever, I guess. First full week of school and all. My older boys “helped,” although I’m not sure how helpful they really were.

Babygirl had a great time sliding down the school playground slides. I improvised and used a clean disposable diaper to wipe off the rain-drenched slides. I was fairly impressed with my ingenuity, which only proves what a small world I live in at the moment. I could have used napkins, only YoungestBoy spilled an entire chocolate milkshake in the backseat of the car (on the side where the door no longer opens) and I had to use every napkin I could find to sop up the frozen treat.

I spent this morning dunking two cats’ behinds in a sink full of water. We have three mutant cats, all from the same litter. Smokey is a long-haired ball of fluff, with no tail. Chestnut is a short-haired grey striped kitty with half a tail that kinks ninety-degrees at the end. And short-haired Roy is shaped exactly like a white-tail deer. My husband agreed to take the kittens from the neighbor down the street. I would have chosen beautiful kittens, not this homely bunch, but as it turns out, these cats have been shockingly gentle, even though Babygirl slings them around over her arm like a furry purse.

For some reason, Roy and Smokey occasionally have a bit of poop cling to their hind-ends. I cannot believe that it’s my job to dunk them under water and stick my fingers into that matted mess to clean them up. And the cats were not even grateful. They acted as if I were the one who was getting a thrill.

The other day, I was sitting at my computer, minding my own business. Then I smelled poop. What kind of scares me is that I can tell the origin of the poop by the smell alone. I knew it was cat poop, not baby poop. (I can tell by smell which toddler is poopy; the DaycareKid has the most foul smelling diapers ever. Blech.) Anyway, so I smell poop and I peer under my desk. Sure enough, a cat is exiting, but no poop is visible.

I walk across the room to the laundry room, the location of the litter box. No poop. I scan the floor. Nothing. I walk back to the computer, see two spots on the carpet and realize, someone has poop on a shoe! I check my shoes and yes, I have a clump of smooshed poop on the bottom of my newish shoes.

I can’t believe I do this job and get no paycheck. Or hazard-duty pay. Or even a Certification of Completion.

What an unsavory post this was. My apologies.

My husband takes Mondays off. This works out great for him, but not so great for me, because Monday is a school day, a daycare day, a regular work day for me. I woke up to the alarm, greeted Babygirl who was sitting in her crib removing her fuzzy jammies, and went downstairs to make breakfast for YoungestBoy. When he was dressed and fed, he went to play a little Pikmin 2 on his Nintendo Gamecube before school.

Meanwhile, DaycareKid arrived, the twins woke up, the neighbor called to see if we could switch carpooling times, so I had to go upstairs to let my husband know he needed to take the kids to school, rather than pick them up. He was reclining in bed, watching morning news and I really did my best not to feel like a jealous indentured servant. I’m not on a time-clock, but I am certainly on a schedule, a mommy-track if ever there was one.

By 9:00 a.m., I was sitting in the backyard watching the toddlers run back and forth and flit from playhouse to chalkboard to sandbox. The twins were supposed to be writing about their weekend (they went to both a corn-maze with the youth group and the rodeo with their dad).

The http://www.k12.com curriculum has not yet arrived, much to my chagrin. I would be a rotten homeschooler if I were doing this all myself–finding curriculum, implementing it, teaching them, etc. Their learning styles are polar opposite to mine, as are their personalities, genders, food preferences–pretty much eveything. I’m not sure if it’s because they are almost 12 or because they are boys or because they are twins or because they are not genetically mine, but they are a puzzle to me. They hate to write. TwinBoyB took two hours to write three dismal, poorly-spelled, sloppy paragraphs.

The curriculum must come this week! Or pretty soon they’ll be watching SpongeBob for their “literature” class. Right now they are watching the Narnia chronicles, which I’m pretending is actually educational. They have to finish their writing assignment before dinner. I better think of what dinner will be or they won’t have much incentive.

Babygirl is two years old now. I probably have just forgotten how brilliant my other children were at this age, but she seems to me to be a remarkable toddler. She can describe her feelings with words. She counts to twelve. She has a great memory, and of course, she can spell pool. The other day, she said, “Go to the pool?” and I just looked at her, wishing I didn’t have to explain that we couldn’t go because it’s closed and she apparently thought I didn’t understand her because she peered into my eyes and said helpfully, “P-O-O?”

She insists on being unclothed or half-clothed most of the time. Yesterday, I was reading in the living room while she frolicked (minus her clothing) in the family room where the twins were watching television. Then I heard her: “I peed in the potty!” A quick check confirmed that she did, indeed, pee in the potty. I applauded and we carried the liquid treasure to the bathroom to dump it. This morning, she peed on the floor, but awhile later, said, “I need to pee,” and went to the potty where she made a little deposit. She was a little confused, so reached in with a pointer finger to touch it while I yelled “YUCKY! YUCKY!” I know the specialists say not to make a big deal about how disgusting fecal matter is, but ewwwwwww. I can’t help myself. We washed and flushed it away.

My baby is growing up. Just like that. Before you know it, she’ll be picking out ugly bridesmaid dresses for her friends to wear in her wedding. I just hope her hair grows in before then. And I hope she wears underpants, too, especially when she plays in the sandbox.

As I mentioned, my husband took the boys to the rodeo yesterday at the Western Washington Fair (also known in these parts as The Puyallup–that’s “pew-al-up.”) Being male, no one really gave me any details, but I gather they had fun and that the rodeo clown was the best part. Unfortunately, no one took a camera, so ultimately, it will be a forgotten trip, I’m afraid, without proper documentation.

Today, my husband is back at the fair–it’s not fair!–manning a Habitat for Humanity booth. He’s volunteering from 2:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m., so yes, that does mean that I will enjoy the rest of the day taking care of everything here alone. On his day off. Which is not a day off for me. Ever.

He called to say it’s raining, and I said, “Hey, better a rainy day at the fair than an unrainy day stuck at home!”

However, here’s a ray of sunshine: my living room. Not only are the walls vivid orange-yellow, but as of a few hours ago, we have new carpet. A thousand words could not begin to give you an adequate picture of the yucky the old dingy white shag carpet from 1973. Now, I will only be embarrassed by my not-quite-chic shabby furniture. I will also hope that some of my well-to-do friends decide they need a newer couch than the one they purchased three years ago so I can update my interior design.

Time to vacuum, so I can rearrange the unchic-shabby furniture, a motley assortment donated to our cause by my mother (her dad gave her the tan swivel rocker), a church couple (brown recliner, also used a scratching post by our cats), gold couch (traded from the parsonage in Michigan), and coffee tables (from the neighbor when she moved). The coffee tables are the exact kind my husband grew up with, which seems appropriate. Of course, that also means they are 30 years behind the times, but then again, so is our house. Trading Spaces, are you listening?

I say to my husband, “You know, my friend is so depressed. I think I should take her out to dinner at Olive Garden. We still have that gift card with $18 on it.”

He says to me, “Great idea. Her husband is planning to watch the Miami game tonight, so tonight would be a perfect time.”

I say, “But they don’t have a television. How is he going to watch the game?”

He says, “I don’t know. I’ll call him.”

Before I know it, my husband has invited this couple and their two year old over to watch the game at 5:00 p.m. At 7:30 p.m., after I put Grace to bed, my friend and I are supposed to leave the guys with the kids and go to dinner.

Only, my friend calls at 1:20 p.m. and mentions that she’d really like to watch the whole game (she and her husband met at the University of Miami–she was his calculus tutor).

So, my innocent remark about going to dinner with my friend turned into a three hour sweaty frenzy of house-cleaning and frantic de-cluttering and even a little bit of ironing. Oh, and I still have kids to take care of in the midst of all that. I was vacuuming–actually pausing in my vacuuming–when my DaycareMom quietly entered the house (she usually comes through the house without knocking because we’re often in the backyard playing when she arrives) and I’m terrified that she overheard me muttering to myself about my husband’s brilliant plan in inviting people over to our home at 5:00 p.m. with practically no warning.

I said to her, “Oh hi!” And thought, Please someone, just shoot me now.

When she left, I continued my crazed cleaning spree. I scrubbed two bathrooms, top to bottom, vacuumed, picked up loads of stuff and relocated it to its proper location, did dishes (again!), swept and mopped, picked up toys, dusted the television and my computer, found batteries for the remote control, took out trash, put newspapers in the recycling bin. Fortunately, my husband picked up take-and-bake pizza, so I didn’t have to worry about dinner, but still. I was a glistening, stressed-out mess by 5:00 p.m.

I stood in front of our new oscillating fan in the bedroom to try to cool down, put on some make-up, calmed my bangs, changed into a clean shirt and greeted my guests. The evening went surprisingly well–sometimes Babygirl is less than friendly, but she and our friend’s almost-2-year-old had a blast, running–literally–in circles and screaming with laughter. My twins watched the game, mostly. TwinBoyA talks non-stop. He would be a great commentator. There would never be any dead air with this kid behind the microphone.

Before the game ended, I took Babygirl up to bed. She was outraged that I insisted she wear a diaper and pajamas to bed. She’s become devoted to being unclothed at all times. When I stood her up to zip up the jammies, with tears still wet on her cheeks, she said, “I am so sad.” I love how she can express her feelings verbally. She says “mad,” “sad,” “scared” and “happy.”

I thought I might go to Target when the game ended, but wouldn’t you know, it went into overtime and then Miami won! Our friends did a great deal of hollering, which my boys joined in on.

I decided it was too late to shop.

But it’s not too late to comment about a couple of names. Check out Craphonso. Now seriously. What mother names her child CRAPhonso? I understand it’s pronounced “Crafonzo”, but honestly, what’s next? A kid named Shitella (pronounced SHY-tella, of course)?

I thought of some other funny names, too. Remember awhile back when I posted about unfortunate names? Well, here is a perfect name: the janitor at my son’s primary school is named Mr. Broom. No kidding! Oh, and my husband once went to a chiropractor named Dr. Looney.

My sixth grade art teacher was named Mr. Wise, but he had a hair growing directly out of the tip of his nose. In his class, we had to create a clay sculpture of an animal. I made the ugliest penguin that has ever existed, primarly because I couldn’t figure out how to make an animal with actual legs, like a deer or a dog. My mother probably still has that wretched figurine somewhere. We also spent a great deal of time copying comic strips in that classroom. And that was the class in which I slapped Jeff H across the face for making a lewd comment about my assets, which were unfortunately clothed in a t-shirt featuring a large picture of two cherries.

After that, I wore my down coat during school, even though Jeff H never tortured me again.